Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Conversation with Bella: Girl-to-Girl
I tried to sit through "New Moon" and made it up until she went to Italy to save Edward from his own stupidity (his normal state of being), but I had to turn it off, put it back in its sleeve and send it home to Netflix. It was just about the most horrid movie of all time.
I enjoyed the first "Twilight,” probably because I ignored the sniveling self-absorbed characters and focused on the music and the location. (I'm a fanatic for the Northwest), but good God! I'm not sure who to slap--the director, the screenplay adaptation writer, or the writer of the godawful novels who teaches teen girls to go after the boy they can't have who will make you stop eating, sleeping, socializing or wanting to live?
And, in this second installment, I was laughing my ass off every time they showed Edward—his face was so overly white-faced that he looked positively comical, as well as rather politically incorrect!
If you haven’t listened to the MST3000 Rifftrax for “Twilight,” you seriously need to get that online and play it while watching the movie. You better use the restroom first or you’ll ruin the sofa!
Here's what I want to do when I watch the "Twilight" series: I want to sit down with Bella and have that girl-to-girl talk. You know the one, where you "get real" with gal friend about what she’s doing wrong and why her relationship is unhealthy.
So, here's what I think my girl advice might go like:
Bella, we need to have a serious talk. Look at you! No wonder even a vampire and a werewolf won’t so much as eat you. You have no hobbies or interests or perceivable intelligence. You’ve abandoned your friends and pathetic social life. You actually have no discernible personality, stand on any social issues and not one goal for when you grow up, and your 18 years old!
In fact, when Edward or Jacob isn’t around, you simply do-not-exist. You’re a pale suicidal hermit.
Do you realize how unattractive that is to a guy, that you can’t eat or sleep without him? Guys aren’t keen on responsibility and that’s a heavy one—to be someone’s everything. You can’t even get Edward to get past first base without looking like he’s going to vomit.
Are you certain he isn’t gay? He does seem to like glitter makeup. I’m just sayin…
And what about Jacob? A shirtless bountifully male specimen trying to kiss you and you act like you’re going to have a seizure? Obviously, Jacob is the safe one. After all, dogs are faithful companions.
Let’s review your history with Edward. When you first met him, he thought you smelled awful and wanted to vomit. When you stared at him in the cafeteria like a freaky stalker, he looked like he wanted to vomit. When he rescued you from getting hit by the van, he stopped the vehicle while he was in the middle of regurg and ran away. Now, he up and moves away with his family and doesn’t so much as email you or text message you? Do excuses come any lamer?
Bella, honey, it’s time to accept the truth; he’s just not that into you…
at 9:28:00 AM