Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Conversation with Bella: Girl-to-Girl

I tried to sit through "New Moon" and made it up until she went to Italy to save Edward from his own stupidity (his normal state of being), but I had to turn it off, put it back in its sleeve and send it home to Netflix. It was just about the most horrid movie of all time.

I enjoyed the first "Twilight,” probably because I ignored the sniveling self-absorbed characters and focused on the music and the location. (I'm a fanatic for the Northwest), but good God! I'm not sure who to slap--the director, the screenplay adaptation writer, or the writer of the godawful novels who teaches teen girls to go after the boy they can't have who will make you stop eating, sleeping, socializing or wanting to live?

And, in this second installment, I was laughing my ass off every time they showed Edward—his face was so overly white-faced that he looked positively comical, as well as rather politically incorrect!

If you haven’t listened to the MST3000 Rifftrax for “Twilight,” you seriously need to get that online and play it while watching the movie. You better use the restroom first or you’ll ruin the sofa!

Here's what I want to do when I watch the "Twilight" series: I want to sit down with Bella and have that girl-to-girl talk. You know the one, where you "get real" with gal friend about what she’s doing wrong and why her relationship is unhealthy.

So, here's what I think my girl advice might go like:

Bella, we need to have a serious talk. Look at you! No wonder even a vampire and a werewolf won’t so much as eat you. You have no hobbies or interests or perceivable intelligence. You’ve abandoned your friends and pathetic social life. You actually have no discernible personality, stand on any social issues and not one goal for when you grow up, and your 18 years old!

In fact, when Edward or Jacob isn’t around, you simply do-not-exist. You’re a pale suicidal hermit.

Do you realize how unattractive that is to a guy, that you can’t eat or sleep without him? Guys aren’t keen on responsibility and that’s a heavy one—to be someone’s everything. You can’t even get Edward to get past first base without looking like he’s going to vomit.

Are you certain he isn’t gay? He does seem to like glitter makeup. I’m just sayin…

And what about Jacob? A shirtless bountifully male specimen trying to kiss you and you act like you’re going to have a seizure? Obviously, Jacob is the safe one. After all, dogs are faithful companions.

Let’s review your history with Edward. When you first met him, he thought you smelled awful and wanted to vomit. When you stared at him in the cafeteria like a freaky stalker, he looked like he wanted to vomit. When he rescued you from getting hit by the van, he stopped the vehicle while he was in the middle of regurg and ran away. Now, he up and moves away with his family and doesn’t so much as email you or text message you? Do excuses come any lamer?

Bella, honey, it’s time to accept the truth; he’s just not that into you…


  1. You know, I thought about Netflixing these two movies because I am a huge vampire/werewolf nut, but they just looked too "chicky" (is that even a word?) for my taste. I guess they would be cool for the special effects at least. But talk about setting women/girls back a few decades! The whole "my world revolves around you" thing is so dated and lame. My advice to Bella would be to get a grip and get a life!

  2. My niece, who is 19, just loves the books and movies. She let Katie and me borrow the first Twilight movie and we both thought it was just alright. It is definately geared to the younger generation with some old fans as well.

  3. You know people are going to hate you for this post, right?
    If it is any consollation i felt the same way about Bella too. Since when being anti-social became such an attractive quality?
    But i have to admit that i like the movies just because they were about supernatural creatures, and it was vampire- friendly. I love it when Hollywood presents vampires as tormented but still with good intantions. If only they presented witches good as well...

  4. Rowan;
    I'm a total freak for vamp's and werewolves (especially the wolves)! Perhaps it's my Highlander blood--but I love the idea of a man/beast. You are not missing anything with Twilight--it's total high school bubble gum. I do admit that the New Moon second movie had one good thing going for it--it had a nice concentration on the wolf tribe and how they are like a pack of dogs--and the totally awesome male bodies--not bad.

    You're right. I see why they say middle-aged women are agog over it-it's just the concept of a man being consumed with them until he's witless. It's a romantic notion to be the complete focus.

    Yeah, I think even fans of the movie will probably have to laugh. Bella is just such a lovesick dork!

  5. I really can't stand these books/movies that are driven by a superhuman male that does nothing but sit aroung and obsess about/stalk the female protagonist. In the real world you would call the police, if a man acted like this. It gives girls unrealistic expectations and it bores the hell out of me.

  6. You know, I'm totally cool with the dark brooding type and the moody guys--they're kind of exciting, but this guy is just creepy-rama! In fact, maybe him and Bella are perfect for each other...

  7. The authoress of the twilight series, I hear, is a Mormon. Christian evangelicals have already painted her as a demoniac or witch, witness her reams of (poor) writing having been committed to paper (what a waste of trees) whilst it was nighttime AND being directed by disembodied voices as well as fueled by reoccuring dream/nightmare characters. Feh. The screen versions? Never saw 'em, never will. Trailers I have seen render Bella as clearly exhibitting symptoms characteristic of an eating disorder or a heroin addiction, let alone your above citations of the inarticulate Edward's reactions to her & his self-loathing.

    I am soooo, so tired of moralising vampires. When, oh when will we actually see the Undead for what they are? Sick, twisted, monstrous, parasitic lifeforms! British author Brian Lumley has some well-crafted & beyond creepy as in the mostinhuman vampire characters you can ever hope to come across …. the Wamphyri .… longstanding presences in his Necroscope series of science-fantasy.

    I had you curious over my self-admitted ink? Look for the Necroscope volume, The Source. THAT shrieking bat face, beautifully rendered by the fantasy painter, Bob Eggleton, is one of the pieces that graces my skin. Sweet dreams, Sha' ~ (•8-D

  8. Anadæ (big bro);
    I am totally with you on the vampire thing! I liked the portrayal in "30 days of night" personally--they were the heartless, ruthless, cold and nasty things I want them to be. I wrote a post one time about why women adore vampires. It makes perfect sense. The quickest way to make a woman's groin melt is to nibble her neck, touch her hair and face and kiss her. In other words, men, the zones are from the neck up--once you do that, they are completely limp from the waist down and ready. So, I totally get the vampire attraction--it's a fantasy of mine, as well as all other women, but damn--I want to see them as blood-suckers like mosquitoes. You tattoo sounds brilliant. If you have a pic--send it I just did a video (YouTube--type in "psychic62" and you'll find it) of a painting I just did of my tattoo for over my bed. It's not quite done yet--needs some dark shading, but it makes me happy to see it. It really is my symbol.