Thursday, May 26, 2011

Too Horrifying to Discuss: Singles Sites


I'm curious by nature and even more easily amused by social trends. I did not buy a pet rock or a mood ring when they were "in." I did not rush out to buy my Calvin Klein jeans even with a thick-eyebrowed, underaged Brooke Shields telling us nothing came between her and her Calvins. No, I still don't own a cell phone. I feel like I will have finally become part of the Borg collective when that occurs.

So, for my own perverse pleasure, I put myself up on a dating site. Oh, don't worry, it was quite anonymous. Still, I wanted to see what the reaction would be and what the dreadful come-on's would be. Oh, they definitely satisfied my need for cheese, total hot oozing cheese. Here's my favorite message that came my way within the first hour I was on the site (oh, and sorry this didn't come with antinausea medicine):

My Sweet Angel, Thank you for the wonderful evening in my dream's what a romantic night as we strolled along the beach line, hand in hand the moon kissng the water's edge smiling down on the both of us in sheer delight.As we gazed in each other's eyes knowing deep in our mind's and in our heart's destiny's finally found us. As i kiss you on the cheek and walk gentlely into the night knowing i had made a friend for a life time.
(Apparently the guy above cut and pastes this ill-written, ill-spelled, dementedly intriguing message to all the ladies, probably in some auto-program so he can sit back and finish his beer with his hand down his pants while he watches wrestling).

I have a tendency when I'm curious about something to poke around and check it out. This singles site was one such thing. In the future, I'd seriously like to interview some furries and vampires and people with interesting lifestyles, but for now, I'm focusing on the shark pool that is "free sex," ahem, I mean "dating."

Okay, so how fucking lazy of a single can you be? The site leaves you the ability to email within the site someone you're interested in. About three dozen of the emails (came within 2 hours' time) were a subject line of "hi" and nothing in the body of the message. This is like fishing by scattering the surface of the lake with fish food. No sinking a weighted line with a wiggling worm. Oh no, just try to get the most women in one massive emailing. Yeah, I got so intrigued, I wanted to email them back and say "what the fuck was the content of this email??? Was it supposed to be the subject line, because I'm not a dog that comes when you whistle, you fuckwit!"

For purposes of observing the hunt, I put that I was looking for email buddies. Then, I get an email from a dude who says "on your profile, you say you want an affectionate guy, but you're wanting an email partner. How the fuck am I supposed to show you how affectionate I am if I'm emailing you?" I just replied, "I think you email shows it quite clearly."

Another man asked me out for drinks. I told him no, I'm sorry, but right now I just want to keep it on an email level. He says, "well, there's a lot of sharks out there, so I could help you. I know a lot about this singles thing. I'd hate to see someone take advantage of you. You probably should go have a drink with me so I can tell you how to avoid the creeps." My reply was, "Thanks, but isn't that kind of like the wolf training the hens on safety on the farm?"

Okay, so I shut down the account after my curiosity was appeased. It's dangerous out there. These are our breeding population. Be wary. Be very wary....

12 comments:

  1. What he really meant to say was "Send me a picture so I can furiously masturbate to it."

    Another blog I follow, Rantings of the Reckmonster, posts about her singles website shenanigans on a semi-regularly basis. I just eat these up. Sadly, being a guy, I won't see nearly as much cheese. There are about 12 dudes to every girl on those things...

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  2. Yeah. I felt a bit like a guppy in a pond of piranha. Mind you, I haven't dated since I was 16, so what the fuck do I know at this point in my midlife? At least I do have commonsense and put my ego on hold when men start with all the schmooze. I'm a tomboy first so that kind of shit doesn't make me melt. I'd be more impressed if the guy said, "you have a helluva blog and your brain never stops." I know I have boobs and they come across to anyone who sees them, but I'd like to know the parts of me I can develop are actually appreciated. The guy who sees the whole package--he's fucking brilliant.

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  3. LMAO...

    Dating sucks... it just does...

    Dating has TOTALLY changed from when I was younger... Holy FUCK, has it changed!!!

    Just sayin'...

    ~shoes~

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  4. Hey RS--I haven't dated since I was 16 and I'm in my 40s, but even I know this is a bunch of horse sh-it! As a female, it's a scary pool to be swimming in. You use a public pool and you don't know who's been peeing in it.

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  5. That guy really does sound like a creepazoid! If you really wanted to mess with him, send him a picture of a dude... in the buff. Damn, that'd be funny!

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  6. HN;
    I like that, maybe traumatize him as much as I was traumatized. Tit for tat. Oh, forget that expression!

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  7. Sooo glad I am happily married.

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  8. I was on Plenty Of Fish a bit ago. That site is disgusting. And just about everything you mentioned happened to me. All anybody on those sites is looking for is sex. I knew someone who used it just for that too. I'll stick to roughing it out in the real world.

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  9. never going to a singles site again!! lol.

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  10. elmer fudd: be quiet... be vewwy, vewwy quiet!

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