Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Sex and the Single Ghost Hunter: Compatibility
A woman who dreams of having a house in the foothills, a sports car, adorable twin toddlers, and a size 2 body is going to be compatible with a very narrow group of men - the ego driven ambitious types seeking a trophy wife.
A woman who dreams of living in the country, having an organic garden, making her own wines, and running a farmer's market table is going to be compatible with a very narrow group of men - liberal, eco-weenie, jeep-driving, sandal-wearing men.
As much a generalization as that is, the truth is that we become unhappy in relationships that limit us.
My ex, for instance, hated to travel, did not ever wonder at the universe or do things spontaneously, thought anything paranormal was hooey, and did not have a sense of humor in the least. To be in that relationship, one of us had to change and it wouldn't be the stubborn grumpy pants, it was up to me. That led to feelings of hidden resentment and a melancholy at dreams not lived and an in-genuine life.
I am realizing now that a couple's voyage must be compatible for the vehicle of love to soar.
No one should be disowning parts of himself or giving up her dreams to be in a partnership.
A partner doesn't have to have the same agenda, but they should complement the agenda of the other. For instance, a man who likes to go golfing on the occasional weekend and playing poker at night, might have a wife who likes to go away occasionally with her gal pals to do girlie things. It works for both of them; it's complementary. If one of them is sitting home on the weekend with nothing to do, then there is an inequity.
Compatibility has to do a lot with values and focus.
I seek knowledge and the big questions of the universe and also have a tender heart for humans and nature, a desire to create, share knowledge, and a quick wit. Those combined together show that I need a man whose values are similar - knowledge, open-mind about the possibilities of the universe, the ability to laugh, a tender heart, an artist's soul.
But, to be compatible for life, it would have to include a similar journey. He would need to be into the concept of having a cabin up north, traveling, going on adventures, and an amorous love life. If I found a man who was all these things, but wished to live in downtown Istanbul and never visit family and friends, that would not be compatible with my voyage.
Compatibility has to do with the ability to be yourself and seek your goals without the relationship being a hindrance and to be able to share the process with someone who understands and appreciates the journey.