Thursday, April 28, 2011

True and Insane Things Human Beings Do


I've been in my industry too long, typing up medical reports. Every day is something insane and new about humankind. The ones that crack me up and have had plenty of time between then and now to actually reveal them, without saying where or who--here's some things humans do.

One man had an apple up his ass. Yes, a medium-sized apple. I had to ask the doctor, "he took that apple a day very seriously, hmm?" He replied dryly (as only a doctor who's seen it all could), "yes, the high-fiber diet, I believe."

One man was pulled over by the cops, walking down a roadway with a ladder and a length of rope. He was going to hang himself, just looking for a tree. In the desert. (Yes, he was pleasantly drunk)

One lady dropped her wallet in a toilet on the train. She arrived in the ER with her hand still in the toilet that the paramedics had removed from the train.

One man got in a bizarre accident. It seems that he and a friend who were both wheelchair bound, tied their wheelchairs together since his was not electric, but his friend's was. His friend "towed" him along the roadway where a motorcycle drove through the tow line. The wheelchair guys survived, but the motorcycle dude died. And, the wheelchair dudes were charged with drunk driving.

One man threw a frozen turkey at his mother for not making Thanksgiving dinner. He broke her cheekbone.

One woman brought her child to the ER because her legs went numb. When asked when her legs became numb, the woman told them that it was when her daughter was on the toilet. How long was her daughter on the toilet? Oh, the woman told them, a long time--she tended to be constipated. The girl's legs were fine now. So, the doctors put her on a toilet to test it out. Her feet did not touch the ground. Case solved.

One man smoking some bath salts, swore there were bugs under his skin. He clutched at his arms and made grimacing faces. He took the tweezers from the doctor's tray and began digging deep into his arms and hands to show him the bugs... if he could only catch one!

I've learned a lot about human nature and that is that we are all freaks!

21 comments:

  1. Wow. Really?

    Darwinism at its finest. Thinning the herd... if only the doctors didn't intervene...

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  2. Seriously, LII. Where is that Darwinian law when we need it? Doctors might be changing the fate of our evolution. Terrifying, huh?

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  3. These should be a part of my What the Hell Wednesday. Awesomely stupid. I just love this stuff.

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  4. MM;
    A man trying to find more examples of why the world is fucked. I like that! I do have some good ones. I was once training a transcriptionist and she kept mistyping things. I had to call her in and talk to her because she kept writing "the patient was prepped and raped in a sterile fashion" instead of "the patient was prepped and draped in a sterile" We had to make an autocorrect for her that made it impossible to use the word raped and would automatically make it draped since she only did surgical reports and it's hopefully not likely that word would be used in a surgical arena.

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  5. speak fur yerownself... wuffs ain't no freakin freaks :P lol

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  6. Yes, LW. Wolves are smart creatures. When my newest book comes out on Memorial Day, I'm writing one that is a western twist on werewolves. You might enjoy that one. Smart creatures. No apples up the butt!

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  7. Still can't get pass the apple in the ass, lol.

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  8. He swore he wasn't gay. The doctor shrugged and sent him to the OR.

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  9. The apple... How long did that take? Did the doctor ask?

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  10. The dude said normally to have a BM, he used a corn cob to get him...going. Well, he supposedly ran out of them so he used an apple (medium-sized). How he got it up there was a wonder to me, but supposedly when you put things up your breadbox enough times, it starts to stretch and accept more. I won't even bring up the example of fisting. God, that I know that makes me feel like this career has ruined my innocence (no comments on that!)

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  11. "One man smoking some bath salts"
    Does uh, does that work? Brb.
    (Plus it will keep the bad spirits away!)

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  12. RR;
    I've heard people shoot it up, snort it and smoke it. It's the new "thing" that took over the sniffing spray paint phase. It works but man does it fuck people up. Seriously, if I were going to be that insane, I'd do nutmeg. At least when you hallucinate on that, you're taking something organic. I am, always a health-conscious lady. haha

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  13. At least it wasn't a corncob up his ass!

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  14. HN;
    At least he could have retrieved that himself.

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  15. Isn't that how you eat apples?

    My legs go numb when I'm on the toilet too, but that's because I put them behind my head to get as much velocity from my push as possible.

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  16. Doc--get a picture of that some time.

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  17. I am sure there are plenty of stories to tell in your field of work! :D

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  18. It's never a dull moment, that's for sure.

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  19. Are you sure it was an apple not a gerbil?

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  20. I think the staff was talking about the infamous urban legend about Richard Gere. Seriously, I think the gerbil would have been easier to place.

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