Friday, September 24, 2010

LAUGH: Zak Bagans on Dr. Phil!










This is yet another episode of my LAUGH series that pokes loving fun at TV paranormal investigators.

NOTE: Do not drink while reading this, you are likely to spew the drink through your nose.

DR. PHIL MCGRAW:
Welcome to my special episode today. I’m having a popular television personality on. He doesn’t know why he’s here. It was my hope to do a sort of intervention for him and confront him about some concerning behaviors. I’m sure ya’all will give a welcome to tonight’s guest, Zak Bagans (claps as Zak struts onto the stage, pumped up and instigating the crowd for louder claps and hoots).

DR PHIL: Please, have a seat, Zak. Well, you’re quite the accomplished young man.

ZAK: (bobs his head) Well, I work with what I have, Dr. Phil. (pumps up)

DR. PHIL: Well, I’m just a country boy and I have to tell you that I like to look at things one step at a time. Say the cows get out of the yard, you gotta find the cows and bring them in first before you fix the fence, right?

ZAK: (puzzled expression)

DR. PHIL: (refers to card in his hand). Season one it would appear that every orb you captured was a spirit manifesting. Season two, every place you were was the portal to hell. Season three, you were getting possessed a lot. Season four, you’re getting touched in private places.

ZAK: (snorts) Yeah, I guess we’ve had a wild ride on “Ghost Adventures.”

DR. PHIL: (frowns) Or is it just you having a wild ride, Zak? I’d like to point out a few conditions and you tell me if any of them sound familiar. Body dysmorphic disorder?

ZAK: Huh?

DR. PHIL: (looks him up and down) That’s when you don’t see your body realistically and keep pushing it to get to some unobtainable shape or size.

ZAK: (shakes his head in confusion) Oh, I know just where I’m going with my guns (shows his muscles). I’m taking these babies to the limit. Sure, they’re small now, but they’ll be big beasts when I’m done. (slaps one of his biceps and then whimpers)

DR. PHIL: Gender confusion?

ZAK:
What?

DR. PHIL: That’s where you aren’t quite sure if you’re gay or straight. You may say one thing but act out another.

ZAK: (shocked) Dude! I am so hetero. Oh, well, you know I admit the male ghosts seem to want to touch me a lot, but I’m not saying I like it. And once I did call an incubus to come and sex me up, but dude I totally didn’t know he was a dude. There was a time in the shower room at an abandoned prison when I thought I could feel how one of the men felt when they were having sex, but I’m not saying it got me all worked up. It just kind of felt…goofy and (blushes) naughty. (snickers)

DR. PHIL: Narcissism?

ZAK: (opens mouth but Dr. Phil interrupts)

DR. PHIL: That’s when you think that everything that happens and everything everyone else does is somehow related to you.

ZAK: (snorts) Well, you guys did call and ask me to come on the show, so the show is about me. And all these great people out here (waves his hand towards the audience) are here to honor my hard work as a serious ghost hunter. The camera man is watching me very closely and the makeup girl did lean over me to put on my powder and I could see her cleavage. She totally wants me. By the way, do you have number? These lights up here are aimed at me and everyone is watching me and you’re asking me questions, so this is kind of like Zak’s day, right? So, yeah, it’s all about me. Isn’t it supposed to be? (chuckles)

DR. PHIL: Paranoia?

ZAK: Paranoia? Wait, that’s when you think people are out to get you?

DR. PHIL: (nods) Or spirits are out to get you.

ZAK: Sure as hell they are! The minute I go into a haunted place, I’m telling you, they listen to everything I say, they can hear my thoughts and fears, they follow me everywhere and try to touch me. They want to jump inside me and talk through me. Yeah, the spirits are out to get me, man!

DR. PHIL:
Split personalities?

ZAK: (crinkles his forehead).

DR. PHIL: That’s when you suddenly become someone else, speaking differently, acting differently.

ZAK: Oh, possession! Yeah, I’ve done that dude. It’s scary shit!

DR. PHIL: Schizophrenia?

ZAK:
Schizo, huh?

DR. PHIL: (raises his brow) Thinking you hear and see things that aren’t there.

ZAK: (mouth hanging open). I only hear shit that’s there. Well, sometimes I hear it on my crappy little cheapo digital recorder, but it’s really clear what it says. It’s talking to me, but I just can’t hear it when it’s talking. And, I do see shadow people and shapes but it’s just that the camera can’t film them. They’re there, I tell you!

DR. PHIL: (nods and sighs) Bipolar disorder with mania?

ZAK: Dude, I’m completely lost. (shakes his head)

DR. PHIL: When your moods go from very depressed to very excited and feeling euphoric.

ZAK: (laughs) That’s every hunt, Doc. I go from the really dark place waiting for something to happen and then I just get all excited because we finally got action. I feel invincible. It’s like I can do nothing wrong. I don’t want to sleep. I talk really fast. I get awesome ideas and want to act on all of them at one time. (voice raises)

DR. PHIL: You poor boy. It appears that you have met the criteria for quite a few disorders. It looks like we’re going to have to send you to the asylum. (stands up and waves on two orderlies in scrubs).

ZAK: (jumps up and down and laughs and claps). Oh yes! Trans-Alleghany, I hope. That place rocks! Are we bringing the crew too? I usually like to work alone. Just lock me in for the night.

DR. PHIL: (puts his hand on his shoulder) Yes, son, we will be locking you in.

ZAK: Good cause I want to be able to say I made it through the night without escape.

DR. PHIL (nods to the attendants who take his arms). You won’t escape. I promise you.

ZAK: Dude, you are the shit! Thanks, man! (laughs hysterically as they take him away).

DR. PHIL: I’d like to thank the audience for not encouraging him. I don’t envy the psychiatrists who will have to manage his moods and his unpredictable nature. Well, be sure and be with us tomorrow when we talk to George Clooney about his newest movie and his love life. That’s gonna be fun! (walks away to take his wife’s arm and walk off as the audience cheers)

***Tonight is Lonely on a Friday Night; join us here to talk and goof around***

26 comments:

  1. Ugh! I had milk! Thanks a lot!!!

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  2. Hey, it's still better than orange juice--nothing like having that come out the nose.

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  3. You put together quite an interesting issue. Thanks.

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  4. Echo;
    Glad you enjoyed it. Zak makes a wonderful patient, I mean, star.

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  5. You are not right! I told you that the episode the other night was worth the watch! LOL

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  6. Tara;
    My son said that it was hilarious but that it was also scary cause it's true. haha

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  7. You are one crazy girl...pulling Dr.Phil into your laughs. What's next? Cheaters?

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  8. Courtney;
    I was thinking Big Brother house might be good to put all the investigators in and let romance blossom.... hee hee

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  9. According to Wikipedia Zak Bagan's been scratched by a demon and partially possessed by various spirits. Responding to accusations that his team are "taunting, provocative ghost hunters," he responds that, "We only do that to bad ghosts who we know are attacking the living." He seems a public spirited young man. Too many of us simply roll over to 'bad gosts'. I only hope that he's not endangered by his courageous stance.

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  10. Great thing I'm not drinking anything!

    Apparently; I need to watch that show; or perhaps not.
    I would so hate being called schizophrenic! Among other things.

    Me: Why, yes; I hear them, I see them, and they tell me things.

    Dr. Phil: We have men with a beautiful white coatswaiting off stage. Close your eyes now, surprise you, and see if it's the right fit... LOL!!

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  11. Brenda;
    I am seriously right beside you, sister. My specialty is psychometry. Try and tell someone you can touch objects and know about the people who handled them. I'm sure there's a happy paranoid borderline personality I'd fit right into. Yeah, the show is a total hoot. It's like watching frat boys do ghost hunting. I think travel channel online probably has past episodes you can watch on there.

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  12. Autumnforest;

    I have that ability to a certain degree; but I'm certain that you are an expert. So; perhaps when word get out to the Doc; we'll share a lovely room and lovely matching jackets! LOL!!!

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  13. Since Dr. Phil had Zak on his show, Zak should invite Dr. Phil to do a lock down with them. That would be totally awesome!

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  14. Jim,
    Might make for a future LAUGH episode!

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  15. Huh. I read this blog about Zak Bagans and wanted to see the actual video from the show. Funny. It's not in Dr. Phil's archives and when I type in Zaks name on his site, it comes up with nothing. How do you explain that?

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  16. Michelle;
    It says above this is part of a comedy series I have written poking fun at the ghost hunting shows. I hope you enjoyed the laughs.

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  17. Lol, I love this. As a paranormal investigator we love to joke about Zak all the time. He seriously has to have something wrong with him. Because every episode he's freaking out or getting possessed. Which is just silly.

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  18. Jess;
    Great attitude! Every time he has a new episode, I put up a music video and a drinking game. In fact, this afternoon there will be one posted here. There's a tab at the top of my blog "LAUGH" series. Zak is in almost all the episodes I've written.

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  19. Is it sad that I didn't realize this was fake until they took him away? But god I love his show.

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  20. I love the show too--it's priceless! That's why I just had to have fun with it. It's a sign of adoration.

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  21. Dude you shouldn't be dissing on Zak Bagans or Dr.Phil! They are good souls... Especially Zak! How dare you mess with innocent spirits! You didnt just hurt Zak and Phil... You hurt Billions of spirits tht havent pasted on! What is wrong with you?!?!

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  22. Here is an article from Zak's site: http://zakbagans.com/official/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Zak_Bagans_VRM_March_2012.jpg

    I was a Zak fan, but after reading this, I think he can use a good talk with Dr.Phil!

    God look after Zak, he needs it more than he knows.

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  23. Thanks for writing this-it really made me laugh!

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  24. I enjoyed this but are you actually a fan of the show are you don't like the show and so you're doing this to make them look bad?

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    Replies
    1. I would have to speak for most of the readers and we find it a guilty pleasure. The boyz are crazy and we love it!

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  25. how did I get here when all I typed in was zak bag and is gay lol

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