Funny Named Places

Titlis, Switzerland

That's right - ya gotta have balls to ride this.

Dildo, Canada

The town that can never have enough AA batteries

Wankers Corner, Oregon

The one corner you don't mind doing time out in.

Wet Beaver Creek and Dry Beaver Creek, Arizona

Do you turn left or turn right?

Anus, France

A town full of brown nosers

Please - EXIT ONLY

Bald Knob, Arkansas

Apparently, it isn't just the lawns that are manicured here 

Smackass Gap, Virginia

They must have a helluva a football team!

Spread Eagle, Wisconsin

The citizens are all a bunch of posers

Ta Ta Creek, Canada

The most RSVP'd invitation by any man

Big Bone Lick Park, Kentucky

The most visited location by the local boys

Beaver Lick, Kentucky

Relax. Enjoy. Don't mind if I do

Penistone, England
Town slogan, "you could cut diamonds with it"

Tumbledown Dick Rd., England
Can he throw it over his shoulder like a continental soldier?

Nothing, Arizona
Move on. There's nothing here to see

Dunmovin, California
Apparently, they had enough of earthquakes

Gays Creek, Kentucky
And I thought we'd gotten past segregation

Halfway? The tease!

Blobsquatch Ratings

Tornados have Fujita Scale to determine the wind speeds based on ground damage.
Paranormal investigators use EVPs classes to discern the quality of their audio recordings.

So how do we rank the blobsquatches as they dance across our computer screens?

Here’s my suggested rating scale:

Picasso:  These are the ones that are found in the shapes of shadows and leaves in the forest. If someone hands you a photo and says, “...see, it’s to the right of that tree stump, see the eyes up here and the outline of the head and the right side of the neck and an arm down here? What? Are you blind, you can't see that!” (taps on the picture repeatedly) and all you see is sumac and honey locust, then this is in the eyes of the beholder.  In EVP terms, this is a class D. It's a sound, but not language.

Carole King:  Called this because it's "...so far away."  Damn, why does that Bigfoot have to steer clear of humans? Zoom in until its pixelated, you'll see a black mass. "Yup, aha, that's the son-of-a-bitch, buddy. Right thar. Squint your eyes, son, you'll see it." In EVPs, this would be a class C or something that has to be so enhanced to try and make it out, that it's lost its true content.







Michael Jackson:  These blobsquatches are seen only in partial form, a hand, a half a head, a shoulder or behind.  Somehow, they manage to remain cloaked in every shot.  "He's paparazzi shy, dude. He's totally going Predator here, thinks I couldn't see him, but I caught him. Part of him, that is..."  In EVP ratings, this is a class B. It's something, but everyone sees something different. One of us sees a bear, another a tree stump, and the dude above - a squatch-totally, dude.

Frankie Valli:  Called this because they are "...just too good to be true." Full frontal and in your face.  The Patterson-Gimlin film is one of only a few who are impossible to discern if they are real or not because the details are compelling and the capture so complete.  In EVP ratings, this is a class A. Everyone sees the same thing.

- Separate rankings are required for the best hoaxes –

Wal-Mart:  Uncle Harry wore this too many Halloweens to scare the neighbor kids. The quality of ape suit is crude and color too uniform and black.

Spirit Halloween:  This suit is more stylized and the fur, although uniform in color, has a better more realistic sheen and color.

Tent-Shot Special:  This one was a top end and may have some backers with bucks to purchase. The face is even photographable, leaving the viewer wondering if it’s the real thing.

LAUGH: Flushing Out the Squatch

Another in my LAUGH series involving my favorite show, "Finding Bigfoot."

Today, we find the F'ing Bigfoot team about to tackle woods that look totally squatchy. Having tried a fake deer, torches, fireworks, mannequins, doughnuts and a crying baby doll, the team lead by Matt Moneymaker decides they are ready to flush that stubborn squatch from the woods.

***If this episode reminds you of roadrunner cartoons, it's simply NOT coincidental.** 

Cliff:  (approaches Bobo) What-are-you-doing?

Bobo: (chuckles as he continues to rub peanut butter all over a deer on a leash) Ask the Boss Man.

Matt: You see, Cliff, we're going to try a new technique I'm responsible for inventing. We're going to make this deer smell real inviting and then place this camera on its head (hands camera to Bobo who fastens the strap around the deer's head). Then, we'll release the deer into the woods where SAH-squatches will chase it down and we'll get them on film. I plan on patenting this one. I call it "Deer Vision." 

Ranae: This is utterly ridiculous. The poor deer!

Matt: Okay, Bobo, set the deer free. With that nightvision camera on her head, we'll be able to see just what the deer is seeing.

(Bobo releases the deer from the leash and it goes into the dark woods.)

Ranae: (huddles with the team around the monitor). I have to admit there is some merit in the idea of having a camera on a creature in the forest. If squatches exist, they are not scared of them like humans. From a scientific point of view, I can appreciate that.

Matt:  Look at that! You can see the trees and the bushes and... (squints)

Cliff: (Leans over the monitor) That looks like an erect creature standing on two feet. We can only surmise that Bigfoot and bears are the only thing that can do that and this thing isn't shaped like a bear. I-think-we-have-a-squatch!

Ranae: Is that a hat? Wait a minute (turns) Guys, the deer is back, it's staring at Bobo.

Bobo:  Shoo! Go back to the woods little deer! (The deer comes over and stares up at Bobo) Oh, come on, scat! (gestures hopelessly as the deer stands there gazing up at him)

Ranae: Okay, what's next Moneymaker?

Matt: Did you hear someone speaking?

Cliff: Ah, Matt, it's Ranae. The female on the team. You know, the skeptic?

Matt: She's still with us? I thought we lost her in Canada. Damn that Todd Standing and his offers to use her as squatch bait! I knew he'd go back on his promise.

Cliff: Matt, ah, she's standing right beside you.

Ranae: (sighs with exasperation) So, what's next?

Cliff: (elbows Matt in the ribs when he ignores Ranae) Ranae asked what we're doing next.

Matt: I have invented a new technique no one has ever used. I call it "Tempting Projectiles." I've saved my shit for an entire week and I'll put a pile of it in the woods, set BoBo up as a human target and the apes will not be able to resist throwing it at him.

Bobo: Wait a minute!

Ranae: (laughs) I think Bobo is saying he takes enough of your shit, he doesn't need more, Moneymaker. 

Cliff: Maybe we should call it a night. It's not feeling very squatchy.

Matt: (rubs his face, sweating, twitching) Look, I've had enough! This show is called "Finding Bigfoot" and we're not leaving these woods until he is in our hands. Do you understand? I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the sunrise and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a show. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zippity-Doo-Dah' out of you're assholes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a SAH-squatch. Praise Bigfoot! Holy Shit!

Bobo: (frowns and scratches his head) Hey, didn't Chevy Chase say something like that in "National Lampoon's Vacation"?

Ranae: (takes Bobo and Cliff aside) Guys, I'm really worried about Matt. He seems to have gone over the deep end.

Bobo: How can you tell the difference?

Cliff:  (whispers) You know, I had to explain to him three times last week that just because the show is called "Finding Bigfoot" does not mean that we have to literally find Bigfoot and bring him in. He seems to think it's in our contract.

Ranae: (rolls her eyes) What is he doing now? You know, we all need to keep an eye on him. We don't know what he's going to do next.

Bobo: So, boss man, whatcha doing there?

Matt:  I've set up these mannequins standing around. I'll spread some broken Christmas bulbs around the forest floor and grease up the trees. I've also attached these paint buckets on a rope to swing down. The SAH-squatches will think we have company and if they try to get closer--we'll catch them with all these cool things I rigged around us. This is another invention by me. I get all the credit. I call it the "Home Alone" method.

Cliff: (under his breath) Someone's been watching too many movies.

Bobo: Well, I don't know about y'all, but if he pulls out "Deliverance," for ideas, I'm definitely skeedattlin'.

Cliff: Yeah, I draw the line with pulling a "Harry and the Henderson's" hit-and-run.

Matt: Okay, everyone, now that we have this set up, we're going to run another experiment. Here, the female should wear this. (hands Ranae a piece of red fabric) I call this one "Little Red Riding Hood" (hands her a basket) You just put this on, carry the basket full of bananas through the woods and you are sure to attract a SAH-squatch.

Ranae: The female has a name. It's Ranae. (tosses the cape in his face) And she does not do fairy tales.

Matt: (snarls) I thought this would be the case...dealing with females (storms over to a blanket and pulls it back to expose what's underneath it).

Cliff: (steps back cautiously) Is that a rocket?

Ranae: (voice raises and she steps back cautiously) Does that say "Acme" on the side?

Bobo: (steps back cautiously) Hey, isn't that in the Roadrunner cartoons?

Matt: (throws back his head, eyes glowing strangely and lets out a maniacal laugh. He reaches to light the fuse as the team runs away) Take that, you dumb SAH-squatch! (he laughs as the fuse burns its way up to the rocket. Just when it's about to launch, the light fizzles out and Matt comes closer to have a look when the rocket ignites and fills his face with black smoke, singes of his eyebrows, and makes him cough)

And somewhere nearby in the woods, a Sasquatch calls out "Beep! Beep!"

LAUGH: Fact Or Faked: Vicious Circle

This is a new twist on my LAUGH series poking loving fun at the paranormal shows. This one deals with a dilemma that FoF might just run into…



BEN: Team, we just got this awesome footage of a flying humanoid. I think we should pursue this case.

BILL: I agree!

JAEL: Definitely!

BEN: I say we take Austin and rig him up and make him ride a zip line and see if that might be our culprit. Everyone ready to set this up and film?

AUSTIN: Sounds like a blast!



BEN: Well, team, I think we can say this might be explainable. Austin did an excellent job of showing us how it could be done.

BILL: Everyone, I have new footage of another flying humanoid I think we should pursue.



JAEL: (frowning) That looks strangely familiar.

BEN: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing, Jael. These damn things all look like people on zip lines. When was it filmed?

BILL: Some guy shot in, actually in the same place you three went and experimented, same date too.

BEN: That’s weird. Maybe there’s an epidemic. We should probably investigate this.

PRODUCER: Guys, this is not worth investigating.

BEN: Why’s that?

PRODUCER: Because that’s footage of Austin on a zip line. The man who filmed it thought there was a real flying humanoid. In fact, many of the videos we’re receiving lately appear to be your own experiments. Check out this one.



BEN: That’s awesome! It’s one of those triangle UFOs that are so popular now.

JAEL: (frowns) I don’t know, guys. This looks really familiar.

PRODUCER: It might look familiar because it’s our helicopter experiment in the desert, remember? Someone saw it and thought it was a UFO. (shakes his head). We seem to be corrupting the videos that come to us to be investigated. In fact, I hate to admit it, but the last two UFO incidents you went to investigate were your own experiments.

BEN: (thinks a moment) Well, did we manage to debunk them?

PRODUCER: (throws up his hands and walks away)

LAUGH: Finding Bigfoot In the Snow

I have a tendency to make loving fun at the shows I most enjoy. "F'ing Bigfoot" (as I like to refer to it) is my most beloved new show on TV.

In this episode, we find the team searching for BF in the icy mountainous terrain of Colorado in search of the popularly termed "Snowbeast."

Ranae: (Lifts her pack over her shoulders and hikes through the snow) Boys, if you are all done urinating your names into the fresh snow, could we please move on before nightfall?

(the men track in after her towards the treeline)

BoBo: So, I don't get it. Technically, if this is a Snowbeast, it should be white. That'd make it a Yeti, right? So, what's Yeti doing in Colorado? Does his coat change when he goes down in the off season to lower elevations. If he does that, wouldn't it make him like a mood ring? I once had this mood ring when I was a kid and the dang thing was always blue. Maybe he's related to a chameleon. You think that's possible, huh? Cause if it is, he might not be a hominid. He'd be like some kind of lizard man which reminds me of the lizard man in the Carolinas. Did you see what that SOB did to that person's SUV? I wonder if the insurance paid for that. What do you write when you make that claim, huh?

(Matt smacks him upside the head)

Ranae: This looks like a good place to set up.

Matt: I think this area looks ideal for setting up camp and some trap cameras in the periphery (points around them).

Ranae: (to Cliff) Didn't I just say that?

Cliff: Matt, I think Ranae chose this location.

Matt: (forehead wrinkles) Are we letting viewers pick our spots now? Jesus! Do we want this to be like "Ghost Hunters" having on special guests from wrestlers to housewives to, heaven forbid, Meredith Vieira?

Cliff: No, Matt, Ranae is on our team--the girl. You know, the skeptic?

Matt: (shrugs his pack off his shoulders and sighs wearily) She's still with us?

Ranae: Ah, I can hear you Cliff.

BoBo: Whatcha want me to do this time? Huh? Huh? (excitedly waves) Maybe I could stand in for the Snowbeast and you can see if I look like him. Maybe I could run across the field real fast and you could clock my speed. Remember that time it took me 50 takes to get just the way you wanted, Matt? You want me to be your pack horse again? I can carry all your heavy gear to prove the strength of the Bigfoot like that experiment you had me do on that 18-mile hike. Do you need me to be your car jack when you work on your truck again, Matt? Remember that time you left me in the meadow overnight when it was pouring rain and 40 degrees because you wanted to see if Bigfoot could stand the cold and the rain? I can't wait to see the experiment this time (claps his hands excitedly).

Cliff: BoBo, we were kind of thinking you might be a good lure for Snowbeast.

BoBo: (grins proudly) So, you want me to be bait, huh? So, what do I do? Beat on my chest and holler? (pounds on his chest and screams)

Matt: (comes over and shoves two snowshoes in BoBo's hand) You're going to wear these Bigfoot snowshoes and make impressions in the snow. Bigfoot surely is desperate to find more of his kind. You just walk your way through the forest and head on back here where we can be ready to snare him with my camouflage netting (points up to the trees where a net is suspended)

Cliff: Here, you should wear this Ghillie suit too (hands it to BoBo). It'll make you look more like a Bigfoot if he sees you.

(BoBo hoists the fluffy suit on and then the snowshoes)

Ranae: BoBo, I'm just go help you smell right. (Ranae holds her nose and sprays the Ghillie suit with a horrible stench)

BoBo: (gags) What is that?

Matt: It's my own special blend. I'm thinking of marketing it. It's the musk of a baboon mixed with orangutan dingleberries, the sweat of a fertile chimp and the spit of a gorilla. There's a subtle undernote of skunk and stinkbug juices. (inhales it deeply and sighs dreamily) Isn't it remarkable? It's like perfume of the gods! (dabs some behind his ear)

Ranae: (elbows Cliff) You get to ride shotgun on the way back.

Matt: So, BoBo, how good are you at sashaying?

BoBo: (forehead wrinkles) W-what?

Ranae: (chuckles) I think what Matt is trying to tell you is that, (she reaches into her backpack and pulls out two balled up pairs of socks and stuffs them inside BoBo's ghillie suit) You're going to be a girl Squatch.

BoBo: (frowns) I'm gonna be a g-girl squatch bait? (gulps)

Cliff: (checking the ghillie suit to be sure it's fastened) Now, you be sure and alter your Squatch call.

BoBo: Alter it?

Cliff: Yeah, buddy, (slaps him on the arm) Can you do a kind of Shania Twain scream?

Matt: I actually think a Christina Aguilar scream might be attractive to the beast.

Ranae: (under her breath, rolling her eyes) Attractive to the beast or you? (snorts) BoBo, just go out there and there and walk around, we'll film your footprints, look at you on the FLIR and shout that we see something in the trees, cut away to a commercial and before you know it, the show is cobbled together to look like a mythical beast was chasing you. (leans in and whispers to him) We all know this is a ridiculous endeavor, but my ass is cold. Let's get going, shall we? There's a hot latte at Starbuck's with my name on it! (slaps him on the back)

(BoBo stomps away in the snow as the last bits of light disappear and a moonless night begins. An hour goes by and the team stomps in place and hugs themselves to stay warm, occasionally hearing a pitiful wavering cry in the forest)

Cliff: Poor BoBo. He sounds like Carol Burnett doing the Tarzan call. Maybe we should call him in?

Matt: Wait! I'm getting a figure on the FLIR. It's walking upright! Oh holy hell! It's huge! Get ready, Cliff. Go to the net, be ready to drop it. That beast is almost here. Three. Two. One. Drop the net!

Cliff: (pulls the cord and drops the net) Wow! I can see something struggling. (turns on his flashlight and hovers over the struggling figure in the netting)

Ranae: Well, I'll be! That thing is hairy, big and smelly. Just like people have been reporting. I'm feeling pretty stupid about now. Obviously, this creature did exist.

Matt: (turns to film crew) Put that on record. The female skeptic admitted Bigfoot exists!

Cliff: Ah, Matt, it appears we've caught BoBo (pulls at one of the snowshoes through the netting).

(an hour later, the team is driving off in their truck down a snowy back road)

Ranae: This heater feels soooooo good.

Cliff: Hey, you think BoBo might like an apple?

Matt: I don't know, why don't you find out?

Cliff: (rolls down the window, BoBo jogging alongside the truck in the Ghillie suit and snowshoes, breathing hard)

BoBo: S-ure. So, I'm just gonna run alongside the truck back to the hotel, huh? See if Bigfoot could keep up with a car. G-great experiment. Th-that Matt is one s-smart guy!

(Cliff hands him the apple, rolls up the window and Matt turns up the heater)

Zak'isms

I love "Ghost Adventures" and it's really about what Zak is up to next. I love the locations and I always end up chuckling at his antics. Here's some of my favorite lines from episodes:


"I'm standing here with wax figures, some of whom are dead now." (Madam Tussad's Wax Museum in Vegas)

Ah, Zak, lambie, ALL of the wax figures are dead, dear.

"I'm gonna set it right here in between my legs because that's where I hear the incubus likes it best." (Rams Inn, England)

Ah, Zak sugar foot, the incubus (male ghost looking for sex) appreciates your accommodating his needs, dear.

"We hear you don't like people in here renovating this place...Why am I being like this to you? Because I don't like bullies! (The Riddle House)

I'm sorry to hear that, Zak, honey. Then, I suppose you're really hating on yourself about now, huh?

"I know what you did to that big guy earlier and I want you to do it to me...You wanna grab my ankles, go ahead!" (Wolfe Manor)

Oh, Twiddlebug, that's what you say to all dates in their apartments.

"This is a guard key...I'm to go open up all the doors and hopefully they will come out and try to kill the guards." (Eastern State Penn)

Zak, sweetums, the invisible ghosties aren't really locked in cells and there are no guards, dear. The prison is closed and has been for some time.

"If this is the portal of hell, why don't you come up out of the ground and get us?" (Bobby Mackeys)

Sweet cheeks, that's a well you're talking to. It leads to water. Satan has a bigger and more fiery entrance to his domain.

Blobsquatch Ratings?

Tornados have Fujita Scale to determine the wind speeds based on ground damage.
Paranormal investigators use EVPs classes to discern the quality of their audio recordings.

So how do we rank the blobsquatches as they dance across our computer screens?

Here’s my suggested rating scale:

Picasso:  These are the ones that are found in the shapes of shadows and leaves in the forest. If someone hands you a photo and says, “...see, it’s to the right of that tree stump, see the eyes up here and the outline of the head and the right side of the neck and an arm down here? What? Are you blind, you can't see that!” (taps on the picture repeatedly) and all you see is sumac and honey locust, then this is in the eyes of the beholder.  In EVP terms, this is a class D. It's a sound, but not language.

Carole King:  Called this because it's "...so far away."  Damn, why does that Bigfoot have to steer clear of humans? Zoom in until its pixelated, you'll see a black mass. "Yup, aha, that's the son-of-a-bitch, buddy. Right thar. Squint your eyes, son, you'll see it." In EVPs, this would be a class C or something that has to be so enhanced to try and make it out, that it's lost its true content.






Michael Jackson:  These blobsquatches are seen only in partial form, a hand, a half a head, a shoulder or behind.  Somehow, they manage to remain cloaked in every shot.  "He's paparazzi shy, dude. He's totally going Predator here, thinks I couldn't see him, but I caught him. Part of him, that is..."  In EVP ratings, this is a class B. It's something, but everyone sees something different. One of us sees a bear, another a tree stump, and the dude above - a squatch-totally, dude.

Frankie Valli:  Called this because they are "...just too good to be true." Full frontal and in your face.  The Patterson-Gimlin film is one of only a few who are impossible to discern if they are real or not because the details are compelling and the capture so complete.  In EVP ratings, this is a class A. Everyone sees the same thing.

- Separate rankings are required for the best hoaxes –

Wal-Mart:  Uncle Harry wore this too many Halloweens to scare the neighbor kids. The quality of ape suit is crude and color too uniform and black.

Spirit Halloween:  This suit is more stylized and the fur, although uniform in color, has a better more realistic sheen and color.

Tent-Shot Special:  This one was a top end and may have some backers with bucks to purchase. The face is even photographable, leaving the viewer wondering if it’s the real thing.

Bigfoot Diaries: Thanks For the Stuff

 

Missing a shovel? Wonder what happened to the kids shoes left at the sand pit in the backyard? Care what became of the ice cooler that fell off the top of your station wagon as you raced down the rural highway? 

Hey, thanks for the stuff. 

Some of it can be useful. Some of it, we're still not sure what to do with, like this - 

 Or this -

and we have had animated discussions about this one-

My brothers think they know what they are, but I have my own theories. 

The first one is obviously the skins of the humans they have slain. When I see these hanging outside an abode, I don't mess with them. 

That round floating object is a false friend. I have seen the young ones pulling them on strings and my theory is that these lonely tykes are pulling a make believe friend along.

The last thing has had me baffled for a good long time. It's clear, thin, delicate but strong. One of my brothers says it is the skin of a human-made snake, some kind of engineered killer reptile. My other brother is certain it's a teardrop of a god. I have my own theory and it's really quite obvious; it's a nut sack. I carry all my acorns in it.

If I could put in a request, I'd ask humans to leave more things like this behind - 

Or this -

and most definitely this ...

Just remember what happens if you tease us with the jerky. I think my baby brother showed what'll happen...