Gourmet: Eat Like a Sasquatch

We utilize farmer's markets to get freshly grown items to enhance our cooking experience, but many chefs find items grown in the wild to be exotic local tastes to add to their dishes. They consider it a natural enhancement, but the woodlands really were the first growing sources for food. 

If you ever worried about Sasquatch's diet, consider this - they live in a wonderland of fab foods! Let's just take some of the things they work with and consider the gourmet properties, medicinal, and nutritional benefits. 

Wild Boar:  (1 pound of raw meat) 544 calories, 262 mg of cholesterol, 96 grams of protein
Deer: (1 pound raw):  336 calories, 80 mg of cholesterol, 96 grams of protein
Catfish:  (1 raw fillet) 215 calories, 75 mg of cholesterol, 25 grams of protein
Fresh water mussels:  (3 ounces) 70 calories, great source of vitamin B12.

Now, let's wonder into the Sasquatch produce aisle, shall we? 

Juniper Berries

Juniper berries grow on juniper shrubs in the wild. Their medicinal properties have been used to alleviate anemia and give stamina, energy, fighting off flus and colds, aches and pains. In general, an anti-inflammatory and energizing effect. They are used to make gin and have that sharp taste, but also can be used to cut through gamey taste in wild meats. Great with game meat, but also in soups, it can be roasted to make a great coffee substitute.  

Sasquatch signs:  If bushes have been freed of their berries, even up high where deer do not reach, this might be a sign of Sasquatch nibbling.


Salmon Rub Dried juniper berries crushed in a spice grinder with Earl Grey tea. Sounds wild, huh? Well, a very hip Scandinavian chef understands the bergamot and juniper make an amazing taste when curing the salmon and searing it. 


The unfurled fronds of fern plants, fiddleheads are a gourmet cook's treat. They are harvested very early in the season before the frond unfurls and cut close to the ground.  They are served as a cooked vegetable.  They are kind of like if asparagus met string beans in taste/texture.  They have a short season, so you must harvest in the spring while they are available. They are very high in vitamin A and has about 44% of your vitamin C needs for the day.   

Sasquatch signs:  If you can't find fiddleheads, there might be a reason. Look around those ferns in the very early spring and see if they've left some prints. 


Saute the fiddleheads in butter, garlic, red pepper flakes and salt for 10 minutes.

Wild Grapes

Much of today's grapes have been hybridized to be seedless, but sadly the important antioxidants are in those seeds and indigenous people did well eating those for their diet. A diet is the array of foods a being needs to ingest to get proper nutrients for cell turnover, growth, maintenance of weight, and immune system support. Wild grapes are a healthy source, but also need to be carefully looked at. A wild grape has multiple roundish seeds inside, but the poisonous moonseed, has a single crescent-shaped seed. Knowing this you can keep from being sick. Of course, we all know grapes are great for jellies, jams. 

Sasquatch signs: These vines/bushes are an easy snag for Sasquatch hair while nibbling on the yummy treats. I'd say, come back when berries and grapes are fermented and see if they might have dropped some inhibitions, left some stumbling marks (see notes at the end of this post)



Morel mushrooms. Lots of folks in woodland areas appreciate foraging for these gems in the woods. It has become a family pass time for many generations. This honeycomb topped fungus is a gourmet delight. They are rich in B-complex, vitamin D and essential amino acids. They also potentially lower the risk of breast and prostate cancer. At a going price of $10 to $20 an ounce, gourmet cooks consider them gold. 


Slice morels length wise in half.  Heat oil over medium heat. Mix 3/4 c milk with 2 eggs. Break up one 4-ounce package of saltines. Drip into milk/egg mix and then saltines and carefully drop into hot oil. Flip when golden brown - they cook fast. Drain on paper towels and then salt and pepper. 


Most of us know sassafras for its root beer flavor and the root's tasty tea. The medicinal properties of sassafras are pretty significant.  It's effects are far reaching from handling colds and flus, diuretic properties, and topically, it helps poison ivy and eczema.  The leaves, roots and shoots are all edible.  


Wild Leeks

This plant (aka "ramps") has leave and bulb that smell like onion. They surface deep in the forest early in spring before other things pop up. They are high in vitamin A, vitamin C, selenium and chromium. 


Pizza with fresh leeks and morels is about as good as it gets. Drizzle a trace of truffle oil on top and you have a woodland pizza! 


Dandelion might be thought by some as a weed, but all the parts are edible. Some people confuse dandelion with "false dandelion" or "Hawksbeard." 

The greens, tops and roots all have medicinal qualities. They have a high amount of vitamin A, tons of vitamin K, and vitamin C.  They can be used to make wines, put in soups and salads and more. My mother used to candy them for atop of cakes. 


1-2 cups of flowers, 1 egg white at room temp, 1 tsp water, 1/2 c. superfine sugar, a drying rack. 

Put sugar into blender to grind to a fine texture. 

Mix water and egg white and drip flowers in it, let drip and then sprinkle with superfine sugar, set on rack and let dry and harden into shape. 


Chickweed is chock full of healthy stuff and tastes sort of like spinach.  They can even be grown as a pot herb and used on salads.  It can be used to constipation, coughs and colds, a diuretic and expectorant. In fact, when I used to make herbal teas, this was in my head cold mix - with some other goodies that helped alleviate mucus symptoms and boost immunity. 


Use chickweed for a pesto!  2 cloves garlic, 3 tablespoons of pine nuts (discussing those next), 2 cups chopped fresh chickweed, 1/2 c. olive oil, 1/2 c. parmesan in the blender.

Pine Nuts

These sought after gourmet nuts are harvested from pine cones.  They are ready to harvest 10 days before the green cone begins to open.  The cones are dried in a burlap bag in the sun for 20 days. Cones are then smashed and seeds are separated by hand from cone fragments. (be sure to check your forest floor for signs of smashing by the Sasquatch - they often do this on tree stumps with a rock).  These are calorie packed so great bang for the buck for the Tall Ones. They are also high in vitamin E. 


How about cooking quinoa with pine nuts, raisins and garlic? Add a little olive oil and some fresh diced parsley. 

Fermented berries and grapes
(Is Sasquatch a berry crack whore?)

Raspberries, blackberries, juniper berries and wild grapes all ferment on the vine and then what happens? Well, sometimes it's too good to pass up!

This is only a fraction of what is available in the wild. I didn't even delve into things like various mushrooms, roots, berries, greens, seeds, nuts, and other sources of dense protein. 

I believe in backtracking in research. I study who Sasquatch descended from so I can legitimize their very existence. They have to have a lineage, just like we do. Most of us arrived on second or third migration to America (Native American and Europeans). It is my conjecture, they were part of the first migration or what is referred to as the ancient giants. They have the same skull shape and the same size and they are heavily populated not far from ancient giant civilization lands. That is my own take on it thus far, but they had to come from some lineage of man.

In the case of the woods, it's easier to find where they are going by where they have been; which areas they depleted of resources on their circuit. I also believe they show a great amount of restraint in eating things in a grazing manner, leaving adequate resources behind to not draw attention to or lose their food sources in that area, so they mark the spot with perhaps an arch or an X. That lets them know - I've fed here already but some remains. It is kind of like putting out McDonald's signs along their roadway to know where the next rest stop is. 

They also use some unusual methods that will be revealed next week on the Tuesday installment of "The Urban Sasquatch Journal."  The more I learn of their methods of survival, the more determined I am to protect family units and their precious and worthy existences.

Don't worry about the Sasquatch, they are well fed. We could learn from their example and do a little foraging as our ancestors had. There are many medicinals and high protein, high nutrient foods in the woods and, as some clever chefs have found, they are gourmet finds!