LAUGH: Zak Bagans on Dr. Phil

This is yet another episode of my LAUGH series that pokes loving fun at TV paranormal investigators.

NOTE: Do not drink while reading this, you are likely to spew the drink through your nose.

Welcome to my special episode today. I’m having a popular television personality on. He doesn’t know why he’s here. It was my hope to do a sort of intervention for him and confront him about some concerning behaviors. I’m sure ya’all will give a welcome to tonight’s guest, Zak Bagans (claps as Zak struts onto the stage, pumped up and instigating the crowd for louder claps and hoots).

DR PHIL: Please, have a seat, Zak. Well, you’re quite the accomplished young man.

ZAK: (bobs his head) Well, I work with what I have, Dr. Phil. (pumps up)

DR. PHIL: Well, I’m just a country boy and I have to tell you that I like to look at things one step at a time. Say the cows get out of the yard, you gotta find the cows and bring them in first before you fix the fence, right?

ZAK: (puzzled expression)

DR. PHIL: (refers to card in his hand). Season one it would appear that every orb you captured was a spirit manifesting. Season two, every place you were was the portal to hell. Season three, you were getting possessed a lot. Season four, you’re getting touched in private places.

ZAK: (snorts) Yeah, I guess we’ve had a wild ride on “Ghost Adventures.”

DR. PHIL: (frowns) Or is it just you having a wild ride, Zak? I’d like to point out a few conditions and you tell me if any of them sound familiar. Body dysmorphic disorder?

ZAK: Huh?

DR. PHIL: (looks him up and down) That’s when you don’t see your body realistically and keep pushing it to get to some unobtainable shape or size.

ZAK: (shakes his head in confusion) Oh, I know just where I’m going with my guns (shows his muscles). I’m taking these babies to the limit. Sure, they’re small now, but they’ll be big beasts when I’m done. (slaps one of his biceps and then whimpers)

DR. PHIL: Gender confusion?


DR. PHIL: That’s where you aren’t quite sure if you’re gay or straight. You may say one thing but act out another.

ZAK: (shocked) Dude! I am so hetero. Oh, well, you know I admit the male ghosts seem to want to touch me a lot, but I’m not saying I like it. And once I did call an incubus to come and sex me up, but dude I totally didn’t know he was a dude. There was a time in the shower room at an abandoned prison when I thought I could feel how one of the men felt when they were having sex, but I’m not saying it got me all worked up. It just kind of felt…goofy and (blushes) naughty. (snickers)

DR. PHIL: Narcissism?

ZAK: (opens mouth but Dr. Phil interrupts)

DR. PHIL: That’s when you think that everything that happens and everything everyone else does is somehow related to you.

ZAK: (snorts) Well, you guys did call and ask me to come on the show, so the show is about me. And all these great people out here (waves his hand towards the audience) are here to honor my hard work as a serious ghost hunter. The camera man is watching me very closely and the makeup girl did lean over me to put on my powder and I could see her cleavage. She totally wants me. By the way, do you have number? These lights up here are aimed at me and everyone is watching me and you’re asking me questions, so this is kind of like Zak’s day, right? So, yeah, it’s all about me. Isn’t it supposed to be? (chuckles)

DR. PHIL: Paranoia?

ZAK: Paranoia? Wait, that’s when you think people are out to get you?

DR. PHIL: (nods) Or spirits are out to get you.

ZAK: Sure as hell they are! The minute I go into a haunted place, I’m telling you, they listen to everything I say, they can hear my thoughts and fears, they follow me everywhere and try to touch me. They want to jump inside me and talk through me. Yeah, the spirits are out to get me, man!

Split personalities?

ZAK: (crinkles his forehead).

DR. PHIL: That’s when you suddenly become someone else, speaking differently, acting differently.

ZAK: Oh, possession! Yeah, I’ve done that dude. It’s scary shit!

DR. PHIL: Schizophrenia?

Schizo, huh?

DR. PHIL: (raises his brow) Thinking you hear and see things that aren’t there.

ZAK: (mouth hanging open). I only hear shit that’s there. Well, sometimes I hear it on my crappy little cheapo digital recorder, but it’s really clear what it says. It’s talking to me, but I just can’t hear it when it’s talking. And, I do see shadow people and shapes but it’s just that the camera can’t film them. They’re there, I tell you!

DR. PHIL: (nods and sighs) Bipolar disorder with mania?

ZAK: Dude, I’m completely lost. (shakes his head)

DR. PHIL: When your moods go from very depressed to very excited and feeling euphoric.

ZAK: (laughs) That’s every hunt, Doc. I go from the really dark place waiting for something to happen and then I just get all excited because we finally got action. I feel invincible. It’s like I can do nothing wrong. I don’t want to sleep. I talk really fast. I get awesome ideas and want to act on all of them at one time. (voice raises)

DR. PHIL: You poor boy. It appears that you have met the criteria for quite a few disorders. It looks like we’re going to have to send you to the asylum. (stands up and waves on two orderlies in scrubs).

ZAK: (jumps up and down and laughs and claps). Oh yes! Trans-Alleghany, I hope. That place rocks! Are we bringing the crew too? I usually like to work alone. Just lock me in for the night.

DR. PHIL: (puts his hand on his shoulder) Yes, son, we will be locking you in.

ZAK: Good cause I want to be able to say I made it through the night without escape.

DR. PHIL (nods to the attendants who take his arms). You won’t escape. I promise you.

ZAK: Dude, you are the shit! Thanks, man! (laughs hysterically as they take him away).

DR. PHIL: I’d like to thank the audience for not encouraging him. I don’t envy the psychiatrists who will have to manage his moods and his unpredictable nature. Well, be sure and be with us tomorrow when we talk to George Clooney about his newest movie and his love life. That’s gonna be fun! (walks away to take his wife’s arm and walk off as the audience cheers)