Sunday, April 14, 2013

Dale the Doll Reviews Doll and Clown Movies

The Human decided to do a week celebrating horror movies. She doesn't know it, but I'm going to kick off this week with my own reviews. I only watch doll horror movies, but apparently you humans are really scared of us - there's a lot to choose from! I admit, I'm scared of clowns, so I'm going to cover those bastards too!

Now, I know you big babies will cry and whine that I either forgot one you liked or covered one you didn't like, but let me tell you - this comes from decades of watching doll and clown movies. I know my stuff. Trust me. 

“Clownhouse”(1989): A Victor Salva movie more known for the fact that the director was later arrested for molestation of one of the young stars who also did the movie “Powder.” Nevertheless, it’s genuinely terrifying when a clown torments some brothers left home alone. I admit, I keep the light on for this one and never watch it when home alone.

“Tourist Trap” (1979): This tidbit is very unsettling and campy fun. With Chuck Connors as the scary guy, it was good casting on their part. He definitely is a freaky human. If you have a fear of mannequins (I do, I hate tall dolls) this teens-broken-down-in-the-middle-of-nowhere film is your ticket.

“It” (1990): Stephen King’s made-for-tv miniseries was a hit! It had a great cast and involved evil taking the form of a clown trying to tempt children to join him “down there.” Yikes-thankfully just human kids! It drags along a bit, but the storytelling is like a campfire tale and when the action starts, it’s pretty riveting. As always, a suck-ass ending, but it's forgiven for the body of the work.

“Dead Silence” (2007): Got a problem with ventriloquist dolls? How about hundreds of us? This was a fantastically made movie, one of my top 10 fav’s. The mood and atmosphere and creepy music are genuinely the old-time feeling (60s/70s) of horror tension. It’s not easy to do this in a nowadays setting, but this was done beautifully and if you can watch this in the dark—you’re brave for a human.

“House of Wax” (remake 2005): I didn’t put the original because I think today’s viewers might like something a bit more sinister and edgy. (although Vincent Price did an amazing original version, as well). I don't know many folks who aren't scared of wax figures in museums. I don't even like them! (their mouths don't move)

“Funhouse” (1981): If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if you stayed in a funhouse after it closes, these four teens did. It’s superiorly creepy what torments them inside as they are locked into an all-night hell. A very late 70s feel to it, as well. Has some doll action and clown action, but generally just freaking awesome human teenage slaughter.

“Magic” (1978): There’s loads of ventriloquist-doll-gets-out-of-hand movies out there (has to be a universal fear - har har). This one with Anthony Hopkins is genuinely creepy and unsettling to the humans. If you ever wondered where the puppet stops and the owner begins, this is the one to see. I, myself, know that there is no demarcation. The minute a human opens a doll's mouth and inserts his thoughts, the doll is alive. Forever.

Some lesser players worth mentioning are; “The Clown at Midnight” about a murderous clown in an old opera house, “Poltergeist” with a clown doll (a combo of both clown and doll—mercy!) in which a boy is dragged under his bed by the clown doll, “Trilogy of Terror” with a zuni fetish doll terrorizing a woman in her apartment. And, if you have a twisted sense of humor and like SciFi stuff, “Killer Clowns from Outer Space” is ideal. And, let us not forget my idol Chuckie of "Child's Play."

Hope you like my suggestions--I live to scare humans!

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