Thursday, August 9, 2012

Sex and the Single Ghosts Hunter: It's All Good

I think we can say that 99% of us out there have had more than one relationship with our sexual preference in our lifetime. At the time, we put a lot of eggs in one basket, wanting this one to be THE one. But even those relationships that don't make it gave us some lessons. Let's look at some of those skills acquired in the example of my life--each encounter making my definition of what I want a bit more clear:

Mr. Stunted Growth: One gentleman taught me that a guy who thought that once college ended he never had anything to learn again--is not a keeper.  He knew nothing of politics, never read books, didn't go to museums, didn't listen to music, basically just worked and rode his bike; the same things he'd done since he was a kid.  I discovered from this man that I need someone who is compelled to keep seeking knowledge, skills, and mastery, who never stops growing mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

Mr. Eternal Child:  He was cool, hip, and like a fun kid, but still lived with mom and dad. When he had a chance to have his own life, he tucked tail and remained the "basement" child for an eternity, never having to pay rent, but going out and partying, buying toys, and having a blast with someone to cook for him without having to take the trash out. I learned from this man that I need someone who has actually had experience in being a partner before, or even an adult. 

Mr. Charm:  He came at me all smooth gushing about my beauty and how sexy I was. He pumped up his background and credentials. He told me what he wanted to do to me, in explicit detail. When all was said and done, there was only one thing he wanted from me. Conquest! I learned from him that if a man coos about my looks first thing, that's what he noticed. That's what he wants. The physical. I am an acquisition; not a complement, but a compliment.

Mr. Taken:  In a committed relationship, but truly believed I was awesome, my best cheerleader, the first man to compliment me, make me realize my worth, and take pride in the fact that I was trying to do everything independently. He made me feel better than anyone had in my whole life and he was sadly--married. I learned from him that I can be valued for my worth, my content, my heart, mind and soul. He truly thought I could do anything and so I tried! I couldn't have him, but I could take from the relationship that he saw the real me and was very proud. It was possible to have a man who cared what I did, asked about my day, and applauded me making goals. I learned a new relationship with a man.

If we're lucky, we take some good and bad lessons from each person. Initially, there was something about them that drew us in. I have found over time that usually the thing we were drawn to is the thing that ended up killing the relationship. "He was spontaneous and fun-loving" becomes "he was irresponsible and childish." "He was responsible and safe" becomes "He was rigid and inflexible." "He made my blood sing" becomes "He was a Romeo."

Honestly, I never understood the concept of not getting over someone. I suppose it means that the person carried the missing part of you and took it with him when he left. Ideally, we should be whole when we meet. People come and go, we only borrow them. Encounters aren't mistakes, they are little lessons in how we handle things not going well, how we handle other personalities, what we want and what we don't want.

It's all good.


  1. Good morning... I'm convinced that we always learn something positive from everyone with whom we come in contact. It's up to us to process and understand what it is we learned.


  2. As long as you're still learning, you're still growing. And that's a good thing!

  3. They are all teachers. When my son was learning to drive, I told him we needed the asshole drivers on the road to keep our skills alert.