Thursday, November 10, 2011

Letter From Bigfoot to Humans

Dear hunters, researchers, weekend campers, and television producers;

This is a letter from the target of your obsession, Sasquatch. Not "Squatch;" Sas-quatch!

Please let me enlighten you a bit about my kind and the many misconceptions floating around the world of conjecture and rumor:

1. I am not 500 pounds. I might be closer to it in the salmon season, but in general, I run about 420-450.

2. I am not an ape. I do not beat my chest. I do not sway and swing my long arms. I do not ride on my knuckles. Don't listen to Charlton Heston, I am not a damn dirty ape!

3. The Patterson-Gimlin "Patty," creature? I do not claim any relation, but given that she was filmed back in 1967, I wouldn't mind hearing from her daughter, especially if she has similarly bodacious jugs.

4. The wood knocking theory? (sorry, had to take a moment to wipe my tears of laughter) I'm just messing with you. It's so easy to baffle and confuse humans.

5. The trap cameras? I-see-you! Hanging shiny CDs and windchimes, ape stink and other such ridiculousness is not going to attract me. You want me to come near your cameras? Leave an Arby's beef and cheddar and don't chintz. I want precisely 5 packets of Arby-Q sauce. Nothing less will do if you want a photo!

6. I do not climb trees. Would you take a 420-pound human and have him shimmy up a tree? Do you know a tree that holds him? I have my dignity. I do not race up a tree to hide nor would I let my babies sleep in a tree. What kind of parent do you think I am?

7. I do readily admit that my feet are big and I'll let you come to your own conclusions about that....

8. Now, these teams on TV who think they know what I am and how I work, they are grossly misinformed. Those calls you scream into the woods? Let me translate that, you're screaming "I eat bear shit." Now, if that's true, I can hook you up with some good stuff, but otherwise you might be more circumspect of what you're announcing to the Sasquatch population.

Oh, and if you think you'll capture and train me, just remember this--I'll make your lives miserable--


  1. You can always come live with me, Bigfoot.

  2. lol! wow Sharon. That was great. I'll link up to this in the morning. hehe. hilarious I tell ya, hilarious!

  3. Thanks for the laugh. My girls love Harry and the Hendersons. Awesome movie!

  4. Aww, my favorite Bigfoot, Harry. That was funny and probably close to being true.

  5. Classic!

    Dear Sasquatch,

    I think you are ruggedly handsome... I know we are from two separate worlds... but, do you want to go out for a nice walk one night?
    I'll bring you Arby's!


  6. i found this to be very... very entertaining...
    the weight issue is the best wasn't there a bigfoot in the six million dollar man, are all bigg'n in foots actors?

    Jeremy [Retro-Zombie]
    Visit The Madness:

  7. haha. This was too much fun, guys. With all the seriousness in the BF hunting world lately, it seemed about time someone asked the man what he thought.

  8. Very amusing way to poke fun at the habits of some Bigfoot hunters.

  9. You always make me smile and laugh Autumnforest.
    I thank you for that!

  10. CT-I'm thrilled to know that, sweetie. I have to say, you can't take it all too seriously. F'ing Bigfoot show goes into the woods and hollers hoping to get an ape-man to holler back and us Ghost Hunters walk around with recorders talking to the walls in an empty building. It's pretty funny when you really look at it.

  11. Sharon, some douche bag on the page insulted you under "anonymous". I kinda let them have it with: The first poster is insulting Sharon, under the guise of Anonymous? You sir or madam are what is called a douche bag. If you insult someone, at least have some measure of dignity to post your name.

  12. Thank you, Rictor, dear. I left a comment over there that should put the boys in their places.

  13. I love it, thanks. Linked to it on my bigfoot blog. Love your humor but there's truth there as well -- i have my own rants going about Bigfoot or Sasquatch, not being "just a giant ape" or some other big but ultimately "dumb" animal. Uh oh, I think I'm going off on a rant right now! Anyway, love the post!

  14. Regan--Sounds like we are on the same wavelength. Thanks so much. I take this as the highest compliment and am thrilled to find like-minded folks in a field that is fraught with egos and posturing.

  15. You can go on a Bigfoot Hunt in April 2012 in the Daniel Boone National Forest with the Fact or Faked guy

  16. This was good! I'll be back for more. I bet Shawn would like to post this.