Dale the Doll: What I Learned About Humans From TV

Hey, The Human has a tendency to leave me to my own devices. She's always busy writing, working out, working, writing, working out, working, writing...well, you get the idea. Don't get me wrong. I don't need her company. She's a human, do you think I'm that desperate? But, my other alternative is the clown doll Skittles--no freaking way! And, the abandoned tortured baby dolls who are all still not talking to me just because when it gets dark at nighttime, I might grope a few of them.

So, to fill my time, I've taken to TV and I've found some shows that surprised me! Human programming, I had my doubts about it, but some of it is very very enlightening.

Here's some of the things I've learned about human TV programming:

Sporting events are very popular:
I saw a show called "Jerry Springer." It would appear by the audience's cheering that this event in which large women in stretch Lycra tank tops and mini skirts bitch slap each other over a skinny heroin-looking dude with tatts, has a huge fan following. I have no idea what the sport is called but I think I'll call it "Trailer Tournament." I'm not sure what the winner receives, but it might involve a six-pack of malt liquor, a box of doughnuts and half the gent's Social Security check.

Reality TV is also very popular:
I watched one called "Dexter" about a very astute gentleman who is going around killing off human beings. This is a career I hadn't heard about, but if his reality show has taught me anything, humans are allowing lots of new jobs in this tough economy and there may be hope for the race after all. I don't know how people can moan and groan about reality TV. This man's life is positively fascinating and I rather like his fetching sister. She reminds me of a Raggedy Ann doll I used to have a bit of a crush on.

Humans have a sense of humor. Their SitComs are delightful:
Flipping through the channels, I got stuck on one particularly hilarious one called "Keeping up with the Kardashians." I admit the premise for Sitcoms push the limits of credibility. Who would ever believe a family of such mediocre and barely intelligent beings who are self obsessed and have a patriarch with a frozen face would ever exist in reality. I laugh every time they become engulfed in their own drama as if anything about them is talented, unique or even mildly interesting. The three main girls rather remind me of the Brady Bunch girls; Kim as Marcia, Kourtney as Jan and Khloe as Cindy. Oh, I am certain some writer is straining his mind to come up with any witty conversation once he has such a preposterous premise in place. This is especially apparent when listening to the women whining and never completing a full thought.

Humans news is hilarious and a great example of their fumbling ways:
I watched the largely popular news show "The Soup" and they showed clips of the sorts of chaos humans produce and how hilarious their ridiculous lives are. One man called "The Bachelor" and a woman called "Wendy Williams" seemed to be very news worthy. I saw them appear often on the news casts for "The Soup." They are fine examples of humans in all their ridiculous glory.

So, my time with nothing to do wasn't wasted. As you can see, I have gained much knowledge about humans from their TV shows and priorities. Should you need more tips, I can advise you on a great crime drama called "TMZ" where they cover all the court cases of importance like Lindsay Lohan's necklace trial and Mel Gibson's deal with his ex. Oh, and don't get them started with some man named Charlie Sheen...


  1. You need to read more Dale. I could hook you up with some esoteric ebooks.

  2. I'm not good with books. It's the fingers, ya know. They don't separate on my hands.

  3. Dale, Dale, Dale.... don't base us humans on the Kardashians and Jerry Springer.... they are not real!

  4. But, they must be real, Miss Julie. I have seen them on the television and so there for they do exist.

  5. What's really sad is that I have to agree with Dale on just about everything he said. In short, humanity is doomed, and will destroy itself with it's own stupidity, which is why I'm currently working on a underground concrete bunker as we speak (gotta prepare for that Apocalypse sometime, ya know)!

  6. HalloweeNut;
    Please give me secret directions. I don't trust The Human to take me with her when the world ends. She may use it as an excuse to leave me behind.

  7. ...and, dale, with any luck, you'll end up being like a cockroach and live happily untouched thru a nuclear bomb...

  8. There's that to look forward to, Miss Libby. I will outlive you all. I will miss the human TV, though. You are such funny creatures.

  9. Well hi there Mr. Creepy McCreeperson! I have been wondering where you have been lately!

  10. Hello Pretty Lady;
    You worried I forgot you, huh?

  11. Dale,
    I had no idea you were such an intellectual. Your choice of programming is impressive and will give you a very accurate reading of we humans.

    A word of warning, however, after repeated viewing of these shows you may find yourself wanting to dig your eyes out with a spoon.

  12. Mr. Monkey Man;
    You are so correct about that. More than a few times, I choked on my own speaking strings!


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