New Terms for New World Conditions

Perhaps because I work in the medical world using Latin and Greek terms all the time, but I love to make a hobby of coming up with new names for everyday conditions. Here’s some that I’ve come up with in just the past few weeks:

“Transient Hispanism” The condition in which an Hispanic reporter suddenly speaks with an Hispanic accent when naming a city in Mexico or the name of another Hispanic person.

“Theater Dementia” The condition in which one sits through the trailers for upcoming movies in the theater and then forgets what movie he came to see and has to check his ticket stub.

“Phantom Cell Phone”
The condition in which one leaves his cell phone at home and yet keeps reaching into his pocket to use it and feels the wistful sadness as if missing a limb.

“Visual Floating Virus” The condition in which animated pop-up ads during a TV show that appear (due to placement and timing) to interact with the show and temporarily startle the viewer.

“Loading Interruptus” The condition in which the computer screen announces it can’t load a page.

“Ambidextriphone” The condition in which a driver with a cell phone holds it with his left hand against his right ear.

Okay, it’s time for ya’all to come up with a name for this condition:

The condition in which a person in the self checkout line needs help to do everything.


  1. Excellent Definitions and great article. Ok the term for the self help idiot. How about "checkout Gumping" As in Forrest Gump. As you recall, Gump was "challenged" but he wasn't retarded he just needed alot of help. So I'm sticking with this def.

  2. HN; RSBS? I think we have a new diagnosis for psychiatric conditions and I'm really certain that everyone who drives on AZ freeways has this. Wonder what the cure is? Take away their car keys???

    TW; Yeah, man, just when you think you can scream "oh baby!" the screen won't load. Nothing to make you go limp quicker, huh?

  3. It's called "being a stupid fuck" in my book. Or to put it nicely, imitating my relatives.

    There's another condition of which I'm aware as well. Do you ever notice when people just get out of a movie, and depending on the movie they just watched, they're all emotionally charged to whatever way it ended. I swear to god I see people stalking briskly and determined out of theaters if it's an action movie. A comedy ends and everyone's bouncy and chatty. If it's a drama that ends on a miserable note, everyone has their heads down, walks slow, and sulks. I can't be the only one who's notice this.

  4. I suppose I suffer from Transient Hispanism occasionally, but that's because, to me, certain names just sound silly in regular English.

    I've no idea for a name for that last condition; I suffer from that all the time as well.

  5. F-everything;
    Yeah, I notice to people like my ex who sit there and growl at the stupid choices of the characters (that is actors with scripts directed by a director to act out these situations--not real life). He would get all indignant about their stupidity. Wow, I think the fantasy of movies goes over some people's heads.

    Don't worry about the self-help line stupidity, hon. I tend to be the one helping others out because I hate to see them suffering and red-faced.

  6. This can be ADD, and semi autism.
    I can't exactly name it.

  7. Echo;
    With a little alzheimer's thrown in?

  8. I was suffering with the phantom cell phone one when I left it in my car on our last road trip.

  9. Julie;
    I know, you poor lamb. You looked like you were having phone envy when the Vin-Meister was using his to google map where the hell we were in the desert.

  10. Howzabout....Scannus Ignoramus?

  11. Dan;
    I think that's what I was muttering under my breath--I love it!


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