Dale the Doll: Maybe I have Mommy Issues?

While the human is working on a new episode of LAUGH involving "Ghost Adventures" Zak Bagans and Dr. Phil having a little therapy session, it got me to thinking; do I have mommy issues?

I had this nightmare a few nights ago that my human looked like my mum. It was kind of fuzzy and strange and when I woke up, I was in a cold synthetic sweat.

I admit that my mum pushed me out the door when I was a just a little doll. I was sent away to my uncle's to learn the trade on the road, but the problem was I didn't learn the trade. I remained in a steamer trunk and traveled with him, but was never exposed to being a real ventriloquist doll. In fact, I'm ashamed to admit it, as this is probably the equivalent of a man being impotent, but I have never been used on the circuit as a talking doll. I've always had private owners.

Sometimes, I think about my mum and wonder if she would like my human, then I have to strike myself in the plastic skull because my mum hated all humans. She taught me to distrust them and use them for my own means. Still, there times when my human is so kind to me and patient, despite my acting up lately, that I kind of think of her as a mommy figure. Well, until she cradles me against her bosom, then my thoughts become downright incestuous.

So, what's a doll to do if he starts to see his owner as his mum? I haven't a clue, so if any of you followers out there who think you're so sharp know the answer, please help me. I must break this unnatural bond.


  1. Dale, my advice is this: drink. I know your a lightweight, but maybe, just maybe, in your drunken stupor, you might have your self an epiphany. Give it a shot (pun intended)

  2. HalloweeNut;
    I did try that but then my drunk blog video got up on the site and I was quite embarrassed. Still, the human looks nothing like my mum when I drink. I wonder if she'd notice if I got into her port wine?

  3. This is a very sad case indeed. I think it's all over for you, Dale. Your only hope is to end it all. I thought you were made out of wood, but with the platic head reference, the wood shipper is out but the recycling bin is always an option. Recycle and reuse, I always say. Bye, Dale.

  4. MM;
    Hey, just a minute you furry monkey, I'm gonna outlive the human. That she is nice to me when my own mum wasn't is confusing me. I admit I don't like these nightmares, but I seem to be changing this time of year. I did it last year too and as far back as I can remember. Problem is, when the season is over, I forget what I did. Still, the human forgives me and sometimes even feels sorry for me. That is the ultimate shame for a doll to be pitied. I'm likely to piss all of you off as we get closer to Halloween but I'm not about to go throw myself in a recycle bin just because I like to think of the human as my mum. Besides, the dolls in this place are pretty hot looking. Did you see them? That's something to live for, ain't it?

  5. Echo;
    Where does a doll go to get therapy? I am going to read the human's LAUGH episode with Dr. Phil. That man has a lot of good horse sense for a human. Maybe something he tells Zak Bagans will help me too.

  6. Dale, you need a session with Dr. Phil. I am afraid you are losing your little plastic mind!

  7. Ms. Julie;
    You will still like me, right? Before I do any crazy stuff near Halloween, I want to apologize in advance to you.

  8. I have a feeling this is going to be a Halloween season to remember!

  9. You can try Dr.Laura Schlessinger.

  10. Don't assume humans aren't harboring secret thoughts of betrayal, no matter how it seems.

    Keep your wits about you, Dale. You are unraveling a tad.

    "And round about his home the glory
    That blushed and bloomed,
    Is but a dim-remembered story
    Of the old time entombed."

  11. Freaking hell, Pangs, you cigar smoking doggy. You always know what a doll feels.

  12. Mr. Creep McCreeperson...it's time cut the cord as us humans say. Just stay away from the big knives, you'll hurt yourself!

  13. Dale, Clearly you are a mess; indeed! Clearly this is all old mum's fault. Has she ever seen the movie "Mommy Dearest?" I certainly hope not; because I would suggest that if she hasn't, you scare up a wire hanger or two and try a little role reversal on the mean mum.

    Please do not use on the new mum who takes such good care of you!


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