This is another installment of my series poking loving fun at TV’s ghost hunting leaders.
Here are the other installments in case you missed any:
LAUGH: Ghost Hunters Dialogue
LAUGH: Ghost Hunters Adventure
LAUGH: Ghost Hunters Hunt!
WARNING: Do not drink while reading this or liquid is likely to spew from your nose!
Tonight’s moderator is Bill Nye the Science Guy.
BILL NYE: Tonight, I’m really excited to be the host of this great debate. We will be taking the leaders in TV’s ghost hunting shows and putting them before a panel made up of experts in psychiatry, chemistry, physics, and a video expert. These ghost hunters will present their proof of the existence of ghosts. We’ve invited Jason Hawes, Grant Wilson, Zak Bagans, Ryan Buell, and Barry Klinge. Each team will present the evidence, explain it, and then the panel will be allowed to ask questions. Let’s begin this debate with Jason and Grant’s evidence.
JASON: Me and Grant have an episode of our TV series for you. We think it shows without a doubt that ghosts exist. I hope none of you spook too easy (chuckles). Now, I’ll let Grant hit the button on the laptop—that’s his job.
GRANT: (smiles boyishly) Thanks, J! (hits the button)
JASON: Okay, so, this is a house in Connecticut. You can see us putting the equipment up and testing the camera angles and taping down the wires, all the usual rigmarole. See that? (leans forward and points at the screen) That’s me and Grant taking the stairs up to the bedroom. I lie down on the bed. He sits in the kid’s chair in the corner, there. Now, listen closely. In a couple seconds, we start hearing voices.
(the panel leans forward)
JASON: Did you hear that? That was crazy! It was like a whole friggin’ conversation.
VIDEO EXPERT: You mean that little wah-wah sound effect used by the production company?
JASON: (frowns and scratches his head). Jeez, I hate when they do that! They’re always putting those sound effects in all the wrong places. Well, take my word for it. There was a freakin’ conversation going on!
GRANT: (bobs his head) Man, like J said, it was a frickin’ conversation.
JASON: Now, watch closely. This is where we get something on the Flir. Looks like a person’s shape that pops up. See that! Now that’s a full-frontal ghost!
GRANT: (rewinds and plays it again)
VIDEO EXPERT: You mean that footage of you?
JASON: Me? (leans forward and squints)
VIDEO EXPERT: He appears to have a large bald head and a stocky figure. I see the outline of cargo shorts, and it appears he’s holding a video clamshell in his hand.
JASON: Dammit Grant! How many times I gotta tell you not to swing that thing around? I don’t usually let him drive the camera, or the van for that matter! (he rolls his eyes and snorts).
GRANT: Sorry, J. (blushes)
JASON: Okay, so after this shot, you can see that our KII meter starts to go crazy. Did you see that? (excitedly) It went off after Grant asked it a question.
VIDEO EXPERT: You mean that little blip five minutes after he asked the question?
JASON: Yeah, well, it was taking its time responding. Sometimes ghosts are like that. You have to bug them to get them to answer. So, as we move on through the house, you can see that we get a lot of hits on the KII in the dining room. See?
VIDEO EXPERT: Play that back, please.
GRANT: (hits the button)
VIDEO EXPERT: The meter lit up briefly in the middle of the conversation. Just what question was this supposed ghost answering?
GRANT: That was a real conversation. It went off a good 3 times during the six hours we were in the room. It was obviously trying to communicate.
JASON: Now, here’s the really exciting part of our findings, me and Grant see a full-body apparition.
VIDEO EXPERT: Finally!
(they start the video again)
JASON: See that! Did you see that?
VIDEO EXPERT: (frowns) I saw the both of you gasping and looking at each other. I saw no full-body apparition.
JASON: No, of course not! The camera was focused on us, not what we’re looking at. What a boring show that’d be! (snorts as if the expert is an idiot).
BILL NYE: Thank you, gentlemen. I think we’re ready for Ryan Buell at this point.
RYAN: (stands up and waves his arm with spooky music playing in the background, fog machine sending tufts of white fog around the panel and dressed all in black. He clicks on his hand-held recorder and speaks into it.) Director’s log. Imagine if you will that you live in a trailer park in Kokomo and every night something evil lurks over top of your bed. (leans forward and studies them through his squinting eyes and whispers scarily.) And, you feel the cold fingers of a demon encroaching on your warm living flesh, probing and edging his way to completely consuming you with unbridled passion so that he may possess your very soul! (slams his fist on the table for emphasis)
PSYCHIATRIST: Exactly what does this have to do with proof of ghosts, Mr. Buell?
RYAN: I’m going to demonstrate for you the absolute proof that demons exist and walk amongst us, waiting to take over the unfaithful. I’d like to present my dear friend and psychic, Chip Coffey. We have allowed a demon to enter his body and take him over. Now, I cannot tell you the name of the demon because I believe it’s the one that has been chasing me since my TV series began and if I reveal that name, it will basically mean I don’t get another season of the show. You see, I’m trying to hold out the suspense and prolong my contract. It’s a hard world for college graduates, which is why I’ve changed my major eight times in the past two years…
PSYCHIATRIST: Please, Mr. Coffey?
(Chip Coffey sashays forward)
RYAN: Demon, are you inside of my friend, Chip Coffey?
CHIP: (Deep scratchy voice with a suspiciously southern dialect) I am a demon from hell! I have inhabited this man’s body and will remain here until I have proven to the world that I exist.
PSYCHIATRIST: What is your purpose, demon?
CHIP:(hisses) I exist only to do the Devil’s bidding!
PSYCHIATRIST: And do you know that your host, Mr. Coffey is wearing a horrible scarf that doesn’t match his outfit? Aren’t you ashamed to be in his body?
CHIP:(puts his hands on his hips) How dare you! I take a lot of pride in the fact that I am an expert at matching my scarves to my clothes! Oh! (gasp) How dare you! (girlie head bob back and forth in anger, finger pointing) You, wearing your boring suit off the rack from Men’s Wearhouse!
PSYCHIATRIST: (rolls his eyes, leans back in his chair.) I rest my case. The only demons in Mr. Coffey are of the theatrical variety.
(Ryan ushers Chip from the room as he displays over the top histrionics and sobs like an adolescent girl in Ryan’s arms.)
BILL NYE: Next, we’ll hear from Barry Klinge, please.
BARRY: My technique is to take theories about ghosts and test `em out. We talk to experts and test the theories. (nods proudly) It’s all very scientific so you guys should really appreciate my hard work. I had a theory that red makes ghosts angry, so we talked to the guy in the paint department at Lowe’s. Here, (runs his hands over the huge touch screen monitor) this is the interview with the guy. Oh, and don’t mind the manager that comes over and puts his hand in front of the camera, you can still hear him talking.
(panel watches and listens)
PHYSICIST: Did I hear him right? Did he say that bulls hate red so obviously a ghost would too?
BARRY: It’s amazing to get an expert in the field confess something that supports your theory! (grins proudly)
PHYSICIST: I’m not sure I understand the connection…
BARRY: (cuts in because he doesn’t listen—to anyone) Okay, so I had this theory that ghosts are attracted to florescent light bulbs. I got this great expert. His name’s Jake and he’s my apartment maintenance guy. He’s got a pot farm in his apartment and the guy knows his stuff about fluorescent lighting. Here’s what he said. (uses the touch screen to bring up the interview)
(panel watches and listens)
PHYSICIST: So this apartment maintenance man believes that, since fluorescent lights can help plants grow, ghosts would be attracted to them? (raises his bushy eyebrow)
BARRY: (once again doesn’t listen and barrels right in) This next theory is amazing! Ghosts are deaf and that’s why they can’t always hear us and sound garbled when we record them. This expert is really impressive. He teaches deaf folks how to talk with their hands (gestures with his fingers like a spaz and then runs his hands over the touch screen). Oh, sorry! (rubs the screen with his elbow) Got some barbecue sauce on my fingers. (licks his fingers). So listen to this expert.
(panel watches and listens)
PHYSICIST: This sign language teacher believes that your EVPs sound like deaf people?
BARRY: (shrugs) Yeah, well they ain’t all that clear and they don’t always hear us…
PHYSICIST: I think we’ve heard enough, Mr. Klinge.
BARRY: Wait! I got this other theory that ghosts like cheap hookers. I went into the south side of town with five bucks and a bottle of Boone’s Farm and-
BILL NYE: Thank you, Mr. Klinge, we’re ready to move on to Mr. Zak Bagans.
ZAK: (Sits casually on the edge of the table) Dudes, I have proof beyond a shadow of a doubt! Physical proof!
CHEMIST: Please, show us. We are most eager to see irrefutable evidence of ghosts, something we can put our hands on!
ZAK: (stands up and peels off his shirt) You can put your hands on it, but I’m warning you, I’ll probably giggle like a girl. (points to his nipple) See that?
(panel squints as he leans over the table)
ZAK: A ghost tweaked my nipple. Hurt like a son-of-bitch!
CHEMIST: I’m sorry, but I don’t see anything, except for stubble. Looks like it’s time to wax again.
ZAK: Dude? (sighs and turns around) Okay, check this one out. (points to his side) A nasty whore ghost scratched me there.
CHEMIST: (leans forward) It looks like that’s where your battery pack sits. I’d have that looked at. Looks like a nickel allergy to me.
ZAK: (frowns and then snaps his fingers) I got one for you! (leans forward and tilts his head back) See that hickey mark? That’s where an incubus tried to suck on me!
CHEMIST: Do you have proof that a ghost made this mark and not a woman?
ZAK: Dude, I can guarantee you, a woman did not do that! They won’t even let me go to first base! (flexes his knotted biceps) See there?
PHYSICIST: What? (squints)
ZAK: I got pinched real hard by a prisoner ghost.
PHYSICIST: I’m not seeing anything at all.
ZAK:(claps his hands) Okay, I got one you can’t miss. (undoes his jeans)
BILL NYE: Mr. Bagans, what are you doing?
ZAK: Showing the panel my proof of ghosts. (he shoves his jeans down and then his jockey briefs, turning and mooning the panel) See that on my butt cheek? Ghost kicked me in the ass. Left a bruise, didn’t it? (he tries to look back there to see it)
PHYSICIST: I don’t know about a bruise, Mr. Bagans. Is it this little mark over near the heart-shaped tattoo that says “Nick” and “Aaron” inside?
BILL NYE: (holds up his hand) I think that should end it for today. The conclusion of this panel is that ghosts have not been proven by these groups who spend their free time trying to gather evidence. We have discovered, however, that perhaps it’s a good thing their hobby involves the dead, as I do not think any of these folks would survive long amongst the living.