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(Another in my series poking loving fun at TVs top ghost hunters. Here’s the first one I wrote and here’s the second. This one is #3)
WARNING: Do not drink while reading this or it’s likely to spew from your nose.
Tonight’s moderator is Josh Gates of “Destination Truth” for this special episode.
JOSH: (Standing in an airport) Tonight is very exciting! We’re taking the leaders in TV’s ghost hunting shows; Jason Hawes, Grant Wilson, Zak Bagans, Ryan Buell, and Barry Klinge to do an actual ghost hunt at Eastern State Penitentiary in Philadelphia. I can hardly wait to see how these experts go about a real ghost hunt! (Rubs his hands together). We’ve taken a plane to Detroit. From here we’re catching a train to St. Louis where we’ll take kayaks down the Mississippi and get off in Memphis where we’ll hop on some horses and ride our way up to Nashville. From Nashville, we’ll grab a bus to Front Royal, Virginia. From there, we’ll trek over to Washington DC on mopeds. From DC, we’ll take the subway into Baltimore. At that point, our journey becomes more arduous. We’ll be riding Rikshaws from Baltimore to Newark. In Newark, we’ll sail hang gliders into Wilmink. From there, it’s going to get dicey. We’ll be on pogo sticks until we cross into New York. Lastly, we ride a helicopter over Philadelphia to mark the coordinates on our GPS and then drop in by parachute onto the complex. All in all, the trek should only take us (checks his watch), about eight days!
(Scene cuts to the outside of the Eastern State Penn).
JOSH: Well, it looks like the gate is locked. (Shakes the chain).
ZAK: (Slaps his forehead). Man, we took so long getting here, my dudes already locked us in!
JOSH: (Grins and pulls a rope from his back pocket). No problem! We’ll just climb this 30-foot wall and rappel down the backside.
BARRY: I’ve had enough of your bullshit trekking. I’m not hauling my ass up that wall! (Goes over and shoots off the lock).
(Once everyone sets up their equipment, Josh walks up to Jason and Grant who are duct taping their cords every 2 inches across the floor in an OCD pattern of meticulous neatness).
JOSH: (Steps up to the stack of empty spools and taps them over with his toe) Apparently, one of our sponsors must be 3M. So, what you are two planning for his evening?
JASON: Me and Grant were thinking we’d like to walk the halls alone for a few hours and then sit down and talk for a few hours and then walk the halls for another few hours and sit down and talk for a few hours. (The two casually amble away down a corridor)
JOSH: (Mouth hanging open). O-kay. (Turns). So, Barry, what’s your plan this evening?
BARRY: I have 10 different kinds of cameras in that cell over there (points) with six different recording devices, thermal imaging cameras in each corner of the room, four motion detector lights, a siren that goes off if you cross the infrared beam, a mat that if it’s stepped on will cause a flashing light to go off, a seismograph in case an earthquake occurs, carbon monoxide monitor in case there’s noxious gases, a metal detector in case these things are made out of some kind of metal, and a net that drops atop of the bad boys when they enter. (said in one breath)
JOSH: Well, looks like the only test equipment missing is a breathalyzer. (chuckles).
BARRY: (frowns). Actually, I got one of those too. If those bastards have been drinking, we’ll know it.
JOSH: (whispers to camera) Maybe Barry ought to blow on that thing. (Turns to Ryan) So, Ryan, what’s that in your hand?
RYAN: I wasn’t allowed to bring my priest, my pagan priestess, or my psychic helpers, but I have my tools. (Jiggles his case).
JOSH: Voice recorders? Cameras? KII meters? (excitedly).
RYAN: (Frowns and squints) No! The important tools. I’ve brought my holy water, tarot cards, spirit coins, a cross, and the Bible.
JOSH: (Leans into the bag) What’s that?
RYAN: (Blushes) Oh, that’s my PBJ my mommy made me.
JOSH: What? There’s no thermos with hot soup? (Mocking frown for the camera)
RYAN: No, that’s in there, next to the animal crackers. (shuffles through the bag and holds up the Scooby Doo thermos then sniffs at the air). Do you smell that awful sulfurous smell of the devil beast?
JOSH: (Covers his nose) Barry, I told you not to eat those six cheesesteaks! Apparently, the local cuisine has caught up with one of our group!
BARRY: (Shrugs and chuckles)
JOSH: Okay, lights are going out now and we’ll be in complete darkness. This is when the action begins. It looks like Zak is taking one cell and Barry is taking the next cell. (whispers) They’re going to do EVP sessions, trying to capture the voices of ghosts on their recorders.
(Ryan sprinkles salt across the opening of the cells and steps back cautiously)
ZAK: (Walking around his cell, recorder in his hand in the air) Are you there?
BARRY: (Holding up his recorder in his meaty fist) I’m here. I can hear you!
ZAK: Do you have a message?
BARRY: Is there an afterlife?
ZAK: Why are you asking me?
BARRY: Why won’t you leave this place?
ZAK: Because I have to stay the night with the film crew.
BARRY: (rushes over to Zak’s cell) You little numb nuts! Ruining my EVP! (Zak takes off down the corridor with a high-pitched squeal, Barry storming after him)
JOSH: (rushing after the men as Barry corners Zak in a cell at the end) Right now, Ryan is trying to exorcise Barry’s demons (as Barry holds Zak against the wall, Ryan is dousing him with holy water, holding up a cross and chanting a prayer. Josh turns to the camera and whispers against the back of his hand) Honestly, I think the only way to exorcise Barry’s demons is with a thick steak, a keg of beer and a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.
ZAK: Come on, I dare you! Slap me! Pinch me! Scratch me! Knee me in the nuts, dude!
JOSH: It would appear that Zak is trying provocation techniques (winces) at perhaps the wrong time, as Barry has just slapped him, pinched him, scratched him, and kneed him in the nuts!
(Zak takes off from the cell with Barry chasing him and Ryan in tow, waving his Bible at them. Jason and Grant stand nearby in the corridor, staring down at the floor)
JOSH: Jason and Grant, what are you doing?
GRANT: We just got the meter to light up. It was 18 minutes after asking our question, but I think that’s proof there’s something here. Isn’t that crazy?
JOSH: (blinks) Yes, well, didn’t you notice all the men rushing past you?
JASON: (Scratches his head). You mean, we missed the real phenomenon again? Damn! Once we start staring at the meter, we kind of blank out. Sorry. (shrugs)
JOSH: It would appear that our session here at Eastern State Penn is coming to a close and I know that because Zak has stripped down naked in the shower room to entice the ghostly inmates. Barry was stalking Ryan with his crossbow and has now set off his own net trap, allowing Ryan to exorcise him in full ceremony while he’s helpless on the floor. Jason and Grant here have found no evidence other than a fleeting light on the KII meter and I personally am ready to take an 18-hour flight, a 4-hour boat trip, a 6-hour donkey ride, get bitten by mosquitoes, eat live beetles, anything to get me out of here!