Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dale the Doll: My Family Album

(Another post by my ventriloquist doll, Dale)

You might ask why I do not refer to myself and my kind as “dummies,” but you humans have derogatory terms for your own kind that you should not utter. "Dummy" is one such word. We are dolls and very proud to be, in fact. We would much rather be facsimiles than real humans because we are able to parody what makes you so grotesque to us. Oh, and word to the wise, do not ever ask me about marionette puppets. They are considerably lower on the family scale, the mentally challenged of my kind. Do not mix the two of us up!

I’m rather proud of my family. They have accomplished much in their lifetimes. To be from such a lineage is a mark of quality and integrity. That is me in the picture typing this post. I work very hard when the human is asleep, so that her blog can represent my kind. To my fellow doll followers, I thank you for your unending devotion.

Let me begin with my grandfather, Martin. That’s him in the picture with his “human” holding him. His career took him into the era of Vaudeville when our kind were respected and revered. Each of my family members has a special talent. Grandpa Martin had an exceptional one. He could stare at audience members and if they gazed back into his eyes, they would go a little bit crazy. Some regular followers were known to go home and babble like idiots, step off the ledge of a building at 20 stories up, or race naked through the streets. The ultimate goal for any ventriloquist doll is to be able to affect the most humans and Grandpa Martin, all in all, drove hundreds to their breakdowns and early demises.

The next image of the man outdoors in the suit is my father, Cedric. He was a handsome doll, wasn’t he? They say I take after him. My father had the lucky opportunity to work in the Pokinos from the 30s until the 50s. The casual vacationing crowd got roaring drunk and enjoyed his shows very much. Father had the doll’s ability to plant his own words into the human’s mouth. His human never knew what would spew from his lips each evening and father was a most vicious and talented doll. More than a few times, my father got his human slapped by women and punched out by men out back in the alley. It is a wonderful talent when a doll can produce that much reaction, as we are ever trying to find ways to get humans to use their physicality since we are so limited in that respect.

My dear sweet mother with the pigtails was what we like to call a “bitch doll.” Her name was Emily. She did not have the human’s instincts to nurture and clothe and feed her young. No, a good ventriloquist doll mother prepares her young for their eventual careers by taunting them, calling them names, applying heat and cold, hanging them by their inner strings, and often times locking them for prolonged periods in small cases. My mother ensured that my brother and I were prepared for our futures and we did acquire a great comfort in being locked in small cases, jostled around, and left in the heat and cold. I owe all my skills and tolerances to my beloved mommy.

The last picture is my brother, Tommy. He's a traitor. Every family has one of these rebels who gets into trouble, falls far from the branch, and generally disappoints right and left. Well, Tommy is the black sheep. He took up with a little boy in Wisconsin who raised him as an honored family member and Tommy soon got addicted to the lifestyle of a beloved doll and companion instead of living up to his potential. It broke my mother and father’s hearts to see him smiling and happy and proud to be human-like. He still to this day struggles with frustration at not being completely human. A disgusting notion! We don’t communicate anymore which is just as well. I hold out little hope at this point in his life that he will come to his senses and break ties with the bad influences of humans.

Well, we come to the end of my family story. Perhaps now you readers will gain some respect for my kind and most especially me and my abilities to write these blog posts and watch my human as she sleeps and go along on her ghost hunting trips, unsettling more and more humans along the way. She hopes to make a video of me in haunted places and creepy spaces in May. I am ever proud to be the family celebrity. We always hoped to reach more humans and unsettle more.

Don’t stare into our eyes for to long, however, or you might start to feel not quite yourself


  1. Nice to know some family history on Dale. His mommy doll is just creepy and mean looking. Thanks Dale for offering to bring me soup to help me feel better, but that is not necessary. Although, I would have loved to see you tackle driving Sharon's car.

  2. Julie;
    Don't encourage him! He would think it was some kind of video game in which he can run into other's cars and kill the humans!

  3. And I thought Dale was creepy... His family is even creepier. Sorry Dale.

  4. Thanks, Dale!

    Don't give up on Tommy, he may yet get spurned and left behind. Perhaps the motivation he needs to get back to his roots :)

  5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You continue to constantly amaze me with your shenanigans, Dale. (And Sharon, cuz I know he gets some help from you. If nothing else, by borrowing your computer!)