Saturday, April 3, 2010

Dale the Doll: Free Reign of the House

(Another installment written by the ventriloquist doll who sits on the steamer trunk and studies me as I watch TV)

I snuck out again at night to write this post on her laptop.

The human made a big mistake not getting the stand for the TV yet. Using my steamer trunk to hold it up has left me standing up against it on the floor. This gives me the complete freedom to run around the house when she’s not around.

I’ve learned a lot about humans over the decades of my existence, but this particular human is very confusing. For instance, in her workout room, beside all the equipment, she has a guest bed. Yet, her devoted doll has to cramp himself up between the steamer trunk and surround speaker. That is hardly a way to treat an honored guest!

The kitchen is too clean for my standards. I can’t open the cabinets without an opposable thumb and there’s nothing but a huge variety of weird foreign teas that I can reach and I am not a tea-totaller. I can peer out the windows in the kitchen, however, so it’s one of my favorite getaways. Nothing like viewing more humans coming and going senselessly.

One morning, she pulled back the curtain and noticed that one of the curtains was partially opened. She looked around her with that stupid expression humans use when they’re baffled. I couldn’t help but titter. I think she heard me because she came into the living room and looked around and, as always, didn’t even look at me.

It’s better that way. I’d rather not have the human create expectations of me. I’m not here to entertain her. I do quite fine without her, thank you. I don’t need her to smile at me with that big grin she produces too easily. I don’t need to her to talk to me as if I’m her cherished child. I don’t need to her straighten my hem and fuss over how I’m posed so I’m more comfortable. And taking me on trips with her to photograph me on her goofy getaways? I don’t miss that one bit! Who needs the feel of speeding down the road with music blaring and all that power beneath one? No sir! I’m completely independent and I like it that way. I don’t need to be someone’s sidekick, even if I am a ventriloquist doll and that’s my very purpose…

So, when I get free reign of the house, I do enjoy seeing everything from the 3-foot height level. It’s not really interesting down here, but when I’m feeling particularly snubbed; I admittedly bang myself into the side of her bed while she sleeps to see if it wakes her up. It only seems fair to torment her a bit as she torments me, always laughing and full of energy and excitement, going places, doing things, talking to people, and never once needing me!


  1. That human of yours really should be more considerate. I mean, really. A steamer trunk!? Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't moved on from minor torments to full blown aggression.

    By the by, if you get a chance, thank your human for stopping by my blog.

  2. Hey Onipar,
    Yeah, I ignore him because he tries to creep me out. The first post I wrote about him was when I first propped him up in the house. I was creeped out by having him nearby and my friends said that since I was home alone for the night, I should try and sleep in the living room on the sofa near Dale. They dared me! Well, I tend to do the things I'm scared of, so I propped him up on the steamer trunks near the front door as part of a kind of traveling roadshow vignette. My friends told me to take a picture of him when I go to bed and when I wake up to see if he moved. I laughed and humored them. I went to sleep--no problem. I woke up to hear a thunk during the night and I looked around in the dark-nothing amiss. I got up in the morning and my friend said "did you take another picture of Dale?" So, I took one. His arm moved from his lap to against the wall. His arms are heavy porcelain and stuffed and I had to pick it up and move it to make it do that. It could by no stretch of the imagination do it on its own. So, I decided he deserved to tell his story from time to time on my blog.

  3. The speaker must be giving you a headache. No wonder you're so cranky lately, Dale.

    At least you have the peace of night.

  4. Pangs;
    When I watched "Reign of Fire" with surround the other day--his face did look a little pinched. I might take him on my desert trek this week to an abandoned site and see where his aged steamer trunks came from--and all the dolls left in the desert to age. He might develop a new appreciation. I'll be sure to film it for the blog!

  5. I bet Dale was expecting to have Alex's room after he left. This may be one of the reasons he is so pissy. The fact that he is running around the house, is just creepy.

  6. Julie;
    I think I might rig a bell to put around his neck...