You knew it was going to happen. I tapped the well on “Destination Truth,” “Ghost Hunters,” “Ghost Lab,” “Paranormal State,” and “Ghost Adventures,”(temporarily, of course) so I’m thrilled to have a new paranormal show to poke loving fun at. This one’s for you, Ben (“you know”)…
**Warning: Do not drink while reading this, it is likely to spew from your nose**
(other episodes of LAUGH are on the righthand side of my blog)
BEN: Well, team, what do you think of that?
JAEL: (puzzled expression) I’d really like to see that again.
BEN: Play it again, Bill. (Bill hits the button) You know, something about this doesn’t line up.
JAEL: Yeah, I agree (eyes widen) Are you thinking what I am? They put up a video camera to catch the babysitter, but it’s running when the baby isn’t in the room.
BILL: (nods vigorously and taps the screen) If they were concerned about a babysitter robbing them, shouldn’t it be aimed at the dresser and not the crib? What’s she going to steal from there, huh? (all team members nod in agreement)
BEN: Well, it looks like we might have gotten our first clue something isn’t right. Bill, play the rest of the video again. (Bill hits the button, team watches keenly)
JAEL: (claps her hands) That’s it! Did you see that chair moving on its own?
BEN: (nods and squints at the screen) Yeah, I see it.
JAEL: Obviously, we can all agree there is no one in that room. That’s real phenomenon! You can’t tell me that was faked.
BILL: (frowns) Wait a minute! Just because the chair is moving doesn’t mean it’s a ghost. It could be that the film started right after the babysitter left after burping the baby.
BEN: (shrugs) That’s true. You know, we don’t have the beginning of the tape. So, you know, we can’t see the context. (squints) I definitely don’t see anyone behind it pushing it.
JAEL: (deflated, sits back in her chair) Hmm….
BILL: I’m concerned about this thing hovering around the crib. What do you make of that? Some kind of guardian?
BEN: Well, if you believe that was a ghost, it could be, but you know we didn’t get to see much more than an amorphous misshapen blur.
BILL: It clearly can’t be a person. Just look at it (waves his arm wildly) it’s all over the place, hovering, going down to the floor, knocking the crib, coming back up again, getting bigger, getting smaller…people can’t do that.
BEN: (nods) What do you think, Jael?
JAEL: (shakes her head) I don’t think we could possibly recreate that scenario.
BEN: So, are we agreed? This is fact?
BEN: Now, you know we should go onto the next video.
BEN: So, you know I’m going to say it. That bike had to be 500 cc to get a 600-pound beast up a hillside.
JAEL: (scratching her head) I’m not sure I understand why he was giving that man the finger. Was he taunting him? I never knew that about Bigfoot.
BILL: Well, if apes can throw shit at you in the zoo, Bigfoot can flip the bird. I’m just not sure about the guy filming this. He may have been setting Bigfoot up to act all mean. We didn’t see the film earlier. He could have been harassing him and pissing him off.
BEN: (shakes his head) I hate cruelty to God’s creatures. You know, we really should look into this videographer’s background a bit. I can run a check on him. See if he’s swung puppies around in a pillowcase before or pulled the wings off of locusts.
JAEL: (sighs) I’d feel much better if we understand what his motivations are.
BILL: That being said, I think this video was staged.
JAEL: I agree.
BEN: It was just too easy. He had him flipping him off and then riding away on a motorcycle. That stuff doesn’t just happen naturally. He had manipulate Bigfoot to do it.
JAEL: (leans forward in a hushed whisper) Do you think Bigfoot was in on this too?
PRODUCER: (nudges Ben) Ah, Ben, you’re not supposed to be figuring out if the videographer was tormenting Bigfoot, you’re supposed to figure out if that was really Bigfoot.
BEN: (blushes, tugs on his collar) Oh, sorry.
PRODUCER: (yells at the crew) Let’s move to the next film, guys!
BEN: Well, what do you think?
JAEL: (frowning) I’m not sure what to make of that. The cat didn’t seem like a very good witness to me.
BILL: (finger in the air) I agree! That cat was obviously hiding some information that it didn’t want to reveal. It had trouble looking at its owner’s eyes. That’s a sign of lying.
BEN: I agree. You know, I am concerned about this cat’s credibility. We have no idea what his background is and I know as an ex-FBI agent that witnesses can be very biased and it could be that this cat knows where his supper comes from and is making up a story for the owner just to get treats.
BILL: (snorts) I wouldn’t be surprised by that. Cats are treat whores.
JAEL: There’s something in its voice that was just not cat-like.
BILL: (nods) Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s almost like a human’s voice.
BEN: I have to admit that this cat is very evasive. Notice how he didn’t want to try and talk to the ghost? If he really saw a ghost, he’d want to get to the bottom of it. Then, he changes his story and says it’s a moose. You know, I’m thinking he probably didn’t see a ghost. He just wants attention.
JAEL: (purses her lips) Yes, well, look at the condition of the home. It’s obvious the owner is neglectful. And, good God! Who would leave their shoes out where their pet can chew on them? That’s very irresponsible. And to leave your shoes in such ill repair! (tsking sound)
BILL: (scratches his head) So, we’re saying that this cat may be a victim of neglect and coercion and therefore a poor witness to ghostly phenomenon?
JAEL: (nods primly)
BEN: (shrugs) I’m telling you, I don’t trust that cat, you know.
PRODUCER (comes forward and nudges Ben) Ah, Ben, the purpose of debunking the tape was to prove that cats can’t talk, not whether the cat was a good witness.
BEN: (flushes, tugs on his collar). Oh, well, yes. I knew that.
PRODUCER: Let’s cut for now, guys. We’ll try this later!