Friday, July 23, 2010

LAUGH: Fact or Faked Episode 1

You knew it was going to happen. I tapped the well on “Destination Truth,” “Ghost Hunters,” “Ghost Lab,” “Paranormal State,” and “Ghost Adventures,”(temporarily, of course) so I’m thrilled to have a new paranormal show to poke loving fun at. This one’s for you, Ben (“you know”)…

**Warning: Do not drink while reading this, it is likely to spew from your nose**
(other episodes of LAUGH are on the righthand side of my blog)



BEN: Well, team, what do you think of that?
JAEL: (puzzled expression) I’d really like to see that again.
BEN: Play it again, Bill. (Bill hits the button) You know, something about this doesn’t line up.
JAEL: Yeah, I agree (eyes widen) Are you thinking what I am? They put up a video camera to catch the babysitter, but it’s running when the baby isn’t in the room.
BILL: (nods vigorously and taps the screen) If they were concerned about a babysitter robbing them, shouldn’t it be aimed at the dresser and not the crib? What’s she going to steal from there, huh? (all team members nod in agreement)
BEN: Well, it looks like we might have gotten our first clue something isn’t right. Bill, play the rest of the video again. (Bill hits the button, team watches keenly)
JAEL: (claps her hands) That’s it! Did you see that chair moving on its own?
BEN: (nods and squints at the screen) Yeah, I see it.
JAEL: Obviously, we can all agree there is no one in that room. That’s real phenomenon! You can’t tell me that was faked.
BILL: (frowns) Wait a minute! Just because the chair is moving doesn’t mean it’s a ghost. It could be that the film started right after the babysitter left after burping the baby.
BEN: (shrugs) That’s true. You know, we don’t have the beginning of the tape. So, you know, we can’t see the context. (squints) I definitely don’t see anyone behind it pushing it.
JAEL: (deflated, sits back in her chair) Hmm….
BILL: I’m concerned about this thing hovering around the crib. What do you make of that? Some kind of guardian?
BEN: Well, if you believe that was a ghost, it could be, but you know we didn’t get to see much more than an amorphous misshapen blur.
BILL: It clearly can’t be a person. Just look at it (waves his arm wildly) it’s all over the place, hovering, going down to the floor, knocking the crib, coming back up again, getting bigger, getting smaller…people can’t do that.
BEN: (nods) What do you think, Jael?
JAEL: (shakes her head) I don’t think we could possibly recreate that scenario.
BEN: So, are we agreed? This is fact?
BILL: Fact!
JAEL: Fact!
BEN: Now, you know we should go onto the next video.




BEN: So, you know I’m going to say it. That bike had to be 500 cc to get a 600-pound beast up a hillside.
JAEL: (scratching her head) I’m not sure I understand why he was giving that man the finger. Was he taunting him? I never knew that about Bigfoot.
BILL: Well, if apes can throw shit at you in the zoo, Bigfoot can flip the bird. I’m just not sure about the guy filming this. He may have been setting Bigfoot up to act all mean. We didn’t see the film earlier. He could have been harassing him and pissing him off.
BEN: (shakes his head) I hate cruelty to God’s creatures. You know, we really should look into this videographer’s background a bit. I can run a check on him. See if he’s swung puppies around in a pillowcase before or pulled the wings off of locusts.
JAEL: (sighs) I’d feel much better if we understand what his motivations are.
BILL: That being said, I think this video was staged.
JAEL: I agree.
BEN: It was just too easy. He had him flipping him off and then riding away on a motorcycle. That stuff doesn’t just happen naturally. He had manipulate Bigfoot to do it.
JAEL: (leans forward in a hushed whisper) Do you think Bigfoot was in on this too?
PRODUCER: (nudges Ben) Ah, Ben, you’re not supposed to be figuring out if the videographer was tormenting Bigfoot, you’re supposed to figure out if that was really Bigfoot.
BEN: (blushes, tugs on his collar) Oh, sorry.
PRODUCER: (yells at the crew) Let’s move to the next film, guys!





BEN: Well, what do you think?
JAEL: (frowning) I’m not sure what to make of that. The cat didn’t seem like a very good witness to me.
BILL: (finger in the air) I agree! That cat was obviously hiding some information that it didn’t want to reveal. It had trouble looking at its owner’s eyes. That’s a sign of lying.
BEN: I agree. You know, I am concerned about this cat’s credibility. We have no idea what his background is and I know as an ex-FBI agent that witnesses can be very biased and it could be that this cat knows where his supper comes from and is making up a story for the owner just to get treats.
BILL: (snorts) I wouldn’t be surprised by that. Cats are treat whores.
JAEL: There’s something in its voice that was just not cat-like.
BILL: (nods) Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s almost like a human’s voice.
JAEL: Yes!
BEN: I have to admit that this cat is very evasive. Notice how he didn’t want to try and talk to the ghost? If he really saw a ghost, he’d want to get to the bottom of it. Then, he changes his story and says it’s a moose. You know, I’m thinking he probably didn’t see a ghost. He just wants attention.
JAEL: (purses her lips) Yes, well, look at the condition of the home. It’s obvious the owner is neglectful. And, good God! Who would leave their shoes out where their pet can chew on them? That’s very irresponsible. And to leave your shoes in such ill repair! (tsking sound)
BILL: (scratches his head) So, we’re saying that this cat may be a victim of neglect and coercion and therefore a poor witness to ghostly phenomenon?
JAEL: (nods primly)
BEN: (shrugs) I’m telling you, I don’t trust that cat, you know.
PRODUCER (comes forward and nudges Ben) Ah, Ben, the purpose of debunking the tape was to prove that cats can’t talk, not whether the cat was a good witness.
BEN: (flushes, tugs on his collar). Oh, well, yes. I knew that.
PRODUCER: Let’s cut for now, guys. We’ll try this later!

26 comments:

  1. Yeah, I have to agree, the first one looked real, lol...very good Autumn. It is a good thing I wasn't drinking anything at the time.

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  2. I would like to volunteer for the Fact or Fake International team.

    I have developed a taste for international food and wine.

    I can almost speak another language if you count pig latin (and a little Elvish).

    I have been told that I have Roman eyes and Russian hands or something like that; I can never get that straight.

    I get along well with most foreigners except the French, but in my defense nobody likes the French.

    I need an extra bag for TP because it can be hard to find sometimes.

    When the FOF International team is formed, please give me a little extra time to get my shots. I hate those damn things.

    My only question would be, "does Jael do massages"?

    I'll be waiting for your call.

    Barry

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  3. Barry;
    You are sooooo bad. International team, though? I like that concept. I'm sure your qualifications would be put to good use should they run across Russian elves..

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  4. I think Bigfoot was in on it fer sure.

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  5. Pangs;
    They probably offered him some beef jerky, huh?

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  6. Har har har...Julie--you make me crack up. I've been threatening to do a bigfoot hunt in Greer for a year now--I told Julie I would try to entice Bigfoot with some hemp brownies or cupcakes and now I'm committed to this project because you know me--I don't just say it, I do it!

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  7. Well played:) FUNNY!! Can't you get a job on SNL writing skits? I DO want to investigate the flipping off Bigfoot. I wonder how he fills the motorcycle with gas... with cash or does he pay at the pump so he doesn't have to go inside? And why is he so angry? Maybe he's a southern hemisphere Bigfoot. Or maybe he's mad because dating isn't like it used to be. The most elusive creature in the world seems to be Bigfoot. Combine that with trying to find an elusive female (inherent in the gender of all species) and you pretty much have an impossible mating situation. I think I have more sympathy for him now... AND I have an idea of how to catch him. I think you'll like it because it involves Jael.. and some superglue. And BTW Barry, I can't vouch for her massages. I'm sure they're wonderful, but I've never had one. She always comes and sits right down in front of me and points to her neck and I get to work out the knots. Aside from being a sweatheart, I oblige because I've learned the golden rule.. Keep the women happy, and the whole crew is happy. Haha:)

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  8. Hahahaha:-) great job sis!!!!!
    I have to agree with Julie- the first one looked awfully real -scary glad I wasn't in that
    room ;-)>!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I was about to take a sip of coffee but stopped myself before reading this- glad I did!!!!!!!!!
    all the best to you as always and wishing you and sister Julie and the whole team a whole boatload of luck this weekend at the San Carlos!!!!

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  9. Everyone talks about Jael but Lieu is totally HOT. And the Bigfoot film was awesome.

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  10. Ben;
    You have a fantastic sense of humor, buddy! Glad you weren't offended. My LAUGH series is totally loving fun of shows I actually adore, so hope you don't mind enjoying this probably every Friday with the review. It's just toooo tempting with all the great stupid videos online. And, a man who knows keeping the woman happy keeps the "home" happy--brilliant!

    Dev, my bror, I am glad to give you a chuckle, sweetie. Yeah, never drink while reading. I hope to do this installment every Friday after the review. Thanks for the good-luck. No geomagnetic storms today, but a little activity--if we add a storm, it might be promising.

    Grim;
    Yeah, I'm not so into girls, so I didn't really notice. I'm just studying Mr. Blue eyes... :-)
    And, I think that BF film looks like something you would have made--in an ape suit. Was that you???

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  11. @Ben

    After the Jael massage story, I am so jealous of you that my left eye is twitching.

    Tell her that I will do her massages and carry her purse. Thats right, I will carry her purse IN PUBLIC top that Ben.

    Barry

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  12. I think the cat one was real. You can't fake that.

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  13. Dr. Heckle;
    I'm with you. My old cat, Pierre, used to do the same thing--get easily distracted, then spit out a word or two. They are very hard to carry a conversation with.

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  14. Great job! I got kick out of it and that's without even seeing either of the first two episodes yet. Once I finally see the behavior of the team, I'm sure I'll be having plenty of a-ha moments: "ohhh, that's what autumn meant." :0)

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  15. John;
    The beginning of the show, they sit around in a room and watch videos on the TV screen and then discuss which ones to pursue further. It lends itself to some funny times with the viral videos that are more absurd and having to take them seriously.

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  16. @Barry Haha! You're a better man than I. I'll let her know. Would you let her try and paint your nails, carry her purse all day, watch the whole season of the Hills and Bachelorette (memorizing the boys' names and discussing every week), AND go into the girly perfume and lotion stores at the mall? I have to draw the line somewhere. lol. I want to get her in on this discussion when she comes back from Europe

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  17. @Ben

    Not only would I do those girly things for Jael; but, I would even be willing to watch the full season of "Mary Knows Best." Now THAT is a major sacrifice!

    Barry

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  18. Barry;
    Sweetie, baby... I got a laptop bag you could drag around, along with my clutch purse and if you wouldn't mind buying me some tampons??? No, you don't need to waste a plastic bag for that. Just walk out of the store with the box in your hand, honey...

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  19. @Autumn,

    I did that when I was twenty ... thirty years later and I still have nightmares.

    Can you believe that after that she wouldn't go to The Empire Strikes Back with me!

    I mean come on picking up tampons should be like extra points!

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  20. Barry;
    Any guy willing to do THAT, would get back rubs, foot rubs, a gourmet meal, and watching back to back episodes of the "Star Wars" series. It would ease the PTSD symptoms.

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  21. autumn, guys hate getting tampons for their women, because it reminds them that women truly ARE stronger than men...when's the last time you saw a guy bleed 5 days in a row every month??

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  22. I could swear I saw The Jersey Devil on the back of the dirt bike Bigfoot was driving!!

    Funny stuff AutumnForest .... VERY funny. Unfortunately (& we've talked about this before) I find the "real" investigations on all these shows to be pretty much the same as your skits. Example: on yesterday's Fact or Faked they investigated Nught Crawlers. They did like 2-3 experiments & then wrap up their investigation calling it "unexplained". I still have a headache from rolling my eyes. And Jael is a meathead!! She'll believe anything (where was she when I was single??) :-)

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  23. Libby;
    Other than Evander Holyfield, don't know...

    Scott;
    Thanks for the praise. And, so far as the gals you dated, honey...if you feel that way about her, doesn't say much for the dating pool you were swimming in...so, who's the meathead, dear?

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  24. I don't know if its lack of sleep from the all-night ghost hunt at the San Carlos Hotel or what but I laughed so hard I was crying.....
    the apparition in the first video has me very concerned,though....I think the black mid-calf socks indicates a demonic spirit.....hmmmmmm????

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  25. okay....I am tired....after viewing the first video again, I realized the apparition is wearing black cowboy boots; not socks...... so this figure might be a major demon......from Texas!!!!!

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