LAUGH: Ghost Hunters Swap!

Another installment of my series poking loving fun at TV’s ghost hunters (I'm probably going to start doing these less often because I don't want to burn out of material--but I will always warn you when one is coming on a Friday posting so you can still have Friday laughs).

Here are the other installments in case you missed any:
1. LAUGH: Ghost Hunters Dialogue
2. LAUGH: Ghost Hunters Adventure
3. LAUGH: Ghost Hunters Hunt
4. LAUGH: Ghost Hunters Prove Ghosts!

WARNING: Do not drink anything while reading this or it is likely to spew out your nose.

MODERATOR: Tonight we’re having a special ghost hunt in this abandoned mental hospital. In the spirit of doing something daring, two famous TV ghost hunting teams are going to swap partners. Jason and Grant will be taking Nick and Aaron from “Ghost Adventures” onto their team. Zak Bagans will take “Ghost Hunting’s” Kris and Steve on his team.

(camera comes up in a large rec room on the third floor with a few metal chairs and broken windows where Jason and Grant are ready to begin their investigation)

JASON: (steps over a pyramid of empty energy drink cans Nick and Aaron left) What in the hell are you boys doing?

NICK: (opening up a drawer in a built-in cabinet) I’m putting Aaron into this drawer and gonna close it up for the night, dude. He’ll be total ghost bait. Or, do you wanna be the bait tonight?

JASON: (hand up in the air, shaking his head) No! that’s not the way we roll. Get him out of there (waves his hand in impatient disgust as Aaron tries to climb out from the drawer, punching the bottom out of it) Get over here and sit down! (points angrily, causing Nick and Aaron to stumble into the metal chairs, hands in their laps obediently) Now listen here. I don’t know how you yahoo’s do your ghost hunting but on our team, we don’t belittle our members.

GRANT: (bobs his head in agreement) Well, except when Brian was on our team (says beneath his breath).

JASON: So, your job tonight is to sit here in these chairs while we do a little EVP session. You got it?

(guys nod together)

JASON: Grant, why don’t you do the questioning?

GRANT: (clicks on the recorder) Is there anyone here?

(Nick whispers to Aaron who snickers)

JASON: (holds up his hand) Turn off the recorder. Now what are you two knuckleheads doing? What did he say? (he asks Aaron)

AARON: (chuckles) He said “yeah, there’s four of us here, you dummy!” (Nick slaps him upside the head)

JASON: Shut the hell up, okay?

(they nod)

GRANT: (clicks on the recorder again) We’re just a bunch of nice guys here to shoot the breeze with you. We can talk about anything you want. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. There’s absolutely no pressure.

NICK: (stands up and shouts) I dare you talk you big ugly bully! Come on, quit hiding you pussy boy! I’m not scared of you!

JASON: (jumps up) What the hell are you doing?

NICK: Isn’t this the part where you start taunting them? (confused)

JASON: (runs a hand over his face and growls) We don’t bully.

GRANT: (bobs his head in agreement) Well, except when we had Brian on the team. (says under his breath)

AARON: (mouth open) Seriously, dude? What do you do for 10 hours?

GRANT: We walk around the place, sit for a while, talk for a while, walk around the place, sit for a while, talk for a while.

NICK: I coulda done that in my apartment, man. (sulks)

JASON: (snaps his fingers) Come to think of it, there is something we do that you two would be perfect for. It's very important, so you need to do just what I say. (reaches into the bag and grabs up a chain and a lock) How about if you two boys do us the honors of going outside and locking us in for the night?

AARON: Now, you’re talkin’!

(guys rush off excitedly with the chain and lock)

GRANT: (snickers) We are so rid of them.

JASON: (chuckles) How long do you think it’ll take till they realize they locked themselves out?


(in the basement, Zak, Steve, and Kris are wandering the corridor)

ZAK: My name’s Zak (giggles at Kris).

KRIS: I know that.

ZAK: Dude, that’s so cool that you know my name! Are you like psychic or something? (so busy looking in Kris’s direction in the dark that he runs smack into a brick wall)

KRIS: What was that sound?

ZAK: N-nothing (stumbles, blood dripping from his nose) Whatcha say we do some taunting, bro’s?

STEVE: (folds his arm across his chest, resting his elbow on it, his finger on his bottom lip as he contemplates) Yes, I’ve done that upon occasion. You see, Kris, the idea is that you tease and anger the spirits so that they react. Taunting can take many forms-

KRIS: I’m not Tango, Steve. You don’t need to explain it all to me.

ZAK: (stops walking) Okay, why don’t we use pretty Kris here for bait? Kris, you can strip down to your bra and panties for me—ah, I mean for the ghosts.

KRIS: I am not stripping.

ZAK: Okay, how about if you open up your blouse a little bit? Then I can see—ah, I mean the ghosts can see that you’re a girl.

KRIS: I am not opening up my blouse.

ZAK: (stomps his foot and pouts) Man, this is so unfair. I finally have a girl on a ghost hunt and I can’t even get her to show me her breasts—ah, show the ghosts her breasts. Don’t you have any skills that can help me, dude?

KRIS: (thinks a moment) I know how to sit and chitchat. I can wander around a building without complaining. Some people say I’m boring and dull and my voice is very whiny and droning, so I might be able to make ghosts irritated and impatient. (she adds hopefully)

ZAK: Can you taunt?

KRIS: Yeah, I’ve done it a few times. It’s kind of fun.

ZAK: Good! Go for it, dude!

KRIS: (child-like emotionless voice) I know you’re here you big—coward. You’re nothing but a big ugly stupid--nasty thing!

ZAK: (disappointed) Dude, is that how you taunt?

KRIS: I can be meaner. Give me a minute. (she thinks) You smell like a wet dog and you look like a crusty booger!

ZAK: (frowns) Man, why do all the girls keep saying that to me? (dejected)

KRIS: I’m taunting the ghosts, Zak (she reminds him)

STEVE: Let me try it. I can do this. (thinks a few minutes) It has come to our attention that you are haunting the halls of this establishment. More than likely I’d say you have a resentment or perhaps some unfinished business. Although, it’s been found that ghosts that haunt a building for decades can sometimes be—

ZAK: (shoves him aside) Dude, are you teaching a class or taunting? Let me do it! (turns in a circle in the middle of the room arms spread wide in the inky room) Here I am, you demon from hell! I’m not scared of you. Bring it on! You can bite me! (turns to Kris in the dark) Tear at my clothes! (pulls at his shirt) Touch my body! (running his hands all over himself lovingly in front of her blind eyes) Lick me all over! (tongue wiggling)

STEVE: (clears his throat uncomfortably) Are you certain that’s taunting? Categorically, I’d place that more in line with enticing, perhaps provoking. There are two schools of thought--

ZAK: (startles dramatically) Oh God! Did you feel that, dude? Did you? (turns to Steve and Kris) Something touched me. It totally squeezed my tit!

STEVE: (gasps) Really?

KRIS: (screams out) Ow!

STEVE: What happened?

KRIS: Something squeezed my (whispers shyly) breast.

STEVE: Wow! Zak must have provoked it.

ZAK: (clears his throat) Yeah, you think you can touch us anywhere you want, I dare you to touch her again!

(Kris screams out again)

STEVE: What is it?

KRIS: Something squeezed my (whispers shyly) butt.

STEVE: That’s strange, nothing has touched me. Temperature and EMF seem fine (busy with his gadgets).

KRIS: (gasps) Now it’s touching my hair!

STEVE: Really? My meter isn’t showing anything unusual. No cold spots (feeling in front of him)

(a scuffle ensues)

STEVE: (startles) What was that?

KRIS: (panting) Something touched my breast again! I kicked it in the groin!

STEVE: Really? That’s amazing! (listens) Do you hear that? It sounds like a kid crying.

(Zak rolling on the floor and clutching his groin, crying several octaves higher)

STEVE: Zak, hey Zak?

ZAK: (stumbles to stand and coughs) D-dude?

STEVE: I think your strange way of taunting might have provoked something evil. Try it again.

ZAK: Come and touch me! Run your tongue down my neck (wiggles his tongue at unsuspecting Kris as she stares into the darkness) Rub up against me (wiggles next to Kris). I dare you to lick my tattoo! (stroking his arm).

KRIS: (screeches) There it is again! It touched my breast! I kneed it in the groin again.

STEVE: There’s that crying sound again. Jeez, I hope we go that on the recorder. We could do this all night. Hey, Zak, you ready to taunt again?

ZAK: (blue-faced is rolling on his side) S-sure, dude.

STEVE: This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Zak, I had my doubts about your abilities, but we never get this much activity in one night. You’re like a ghost magnet! I can’t wait to show Jason and Grant that they’re not the only ones who get activity. Wow! I’ve been on this team for a decade and I’ve never had this much stuff happen in one night! I can’t wait to review the film tomorrow and see it on the IR. Maybe we captured the entity that did it!

(Zak curls up in a ball and sobs again)

STEVE: There’s that crying sound again! (holds up his recorder)

MODERATOR: It appears that with two of the team members locked outside and another (clear his throat) incapacitated, it’s time to call it a night on this fun episode of “Ghost Hunters Swap.” Thanks for tuning in!