Dealing With Grief

 

I have lost over 3 dozen loved ones in my lifetime. I don't like to think I'm a pro at the process, but I have developed a perspective that makes it possible to continue my trek through the human experience without losing my spirit or being stuck.

Here's a way I look at the process - 

Your loved one and you take off on a hike up a mountainside. Your loved ones is strong and determined and reaches the peak quickly. You, however, are still stumbling over brambles, cutting a path, finding the best way up to the top. 

Your loved one had an individual journey of victories and setbacks on the way up. You are making your own path to get there.

You know your loved one awaits, but you must finish your journey to meet. 

As I helped my sister to prepare for her journey to the other side when she was dying from cancer, I put it in this perspective.

You were a soul born to this human existence. It was a painful passage, a bright light, people greeting you. It was the great unknown. And, you did it alone. 

You are about to birth to a new existence in which you shed the human form. This will be uncomfortable, terrifying, unknown, but there will be a bright light and people there to greet your arrival. 

I kept a journal and on each page, I had the name of someone I lost. On the front of the page, I wrote all the positive examples they made; things like being thrifty, smiling no matter what happens, etc. Then, on the back of the page, I wrote the things they taught me not to do by their example - thinks like not smoking, accepting responsibility....

When you read this, you realize how much their influence played into who you are. What we have from this time here is how we influence others to have skills to survive the process and thrive. 

I also considered things about those I loved and what they would want me to do or try. My brother was a scuba diver, climbed all the tallest mountains, loved rafting. He would want me to try an outdoor challenge. My oldest sister was very maternal and nurturing. She would want me to enjoy being a grandma as she didn't live long enough to see her grandkids. My other sister wanted me to own my own life, be independent, be successful, own my talents. 

Our parents spent decades training us to think decisions out, knew our strengths and weaknesses, and our potential. When we lose our parents, we have only to think about them to know what they would tell us to do and we know when they would be smiling at our victories.

I am reminded of what my father told me when he had his near-death experience when I was 16. As they put him on the gurney to take him to the hospital, he smiled so beautifully and peacefully. He said, "I was at a fjord with mama, papa, and my Tante Wahlborg. There were flowers that don't exist here, colors that don't exist here." And, as they started to roll him out of the house, he stopped them and gestured for me to lean over and listen. He told me confidentially, "that was the REAL world. This one is FAKE."

And, that's all I needed to know.