Sunday, June 23, 2013

Blobsquatch Ratings?

Tornados have Fujita Scale to determine the wind speeds based on ground damage.
Paranormal investigators use EVPs classes to discern the quality of their audio recordings.

So how do we rank the blobsquatches as they dance across our computer screens?

Here’s my suggested rating scale:

Picasso:  These are the ones that are found in the shapes of shadows and leaves in the forest. If someone hands you a photo and says, “...see, it’s to the right of that tree stump, see the eyes up here and the outline of the head and the right side of the neck and an arm down here? What? Are you blind, you can't see that!” (taps on the picture repeatedly) and all you see is sumac and honey locust, then this is in the eyes of the beholder.  In EVP terms, this is a class D. It's a sound, but not language.

Carole King:  Called this because it's " far away."  Damn, why does that Bigfoot have to steer clear of humans? Zoom in until its pixelated, you'll see a black mass. "Yup, aha, that's the son-of-a-bitch, buddy. Right thar. Squint your eyes, son, you'll see it." In EVPs, this would be a class C or something that has to be so enhanced to try and make it out, that it's lost its true content.

Michael Jackson:  These blobsquatches are seen only in partial form, a hand, a half a head, a shoulder or behind.  Somehow, they manage to remain cloaked in every shot.  "He's paparazzi shy, dude. He's totally going Predator here, thinks I couldn't see him, but I caught him. Part of him, that is..."  In EVP ratings, this is a class B. It's something, but everyone sees something different. One of us sees a bear, another a tree stump, and the dude above - a squatch-totally, dude.

Frankie Valli:  Called this because they are "...just too good to be true." Full frontal and in your face.  The Patterson-Gimlin film is one of only a few who are impossible to discern if they are real or not because the details are compelling and the capture so complete.  In EVP ratings, this is a class A. Everyone sees the same thing.

- Separate rankings are required for the best hoaxes –

Wal-Mart:  Uncle Harry wore this too many Halloweens to scare the neighbor kids. The quality of ape suit is crude and color too uniform and black.

Spirit Halloween:  This suit is more stylized and the fur, although uniform in color, has a better more realistic sheen and color.

Tent-Shot Special:  This one was a top end and may have some backers with bucks to purchase. The face is even photographable, leaving the viewer wondering if it’s the real thing.

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