Monday, December 31, 2012
I'm curious by nature and even more easily amused by social trends. I did not buy a pet rock or a mood ring when they were "in." I did not rush out to buy my Calvin Klein jeans even with a thick-eyebrowed, underaged Brooke Shields telling us nothing came between her and her Calvins. No, I still don't own a cell phone. I feel like I will have finally become part of the Borg collective when that occurs.
So, for my own perverse pleasure, a year ago, I put myself up on a dating site. Oh, don't worry, it was quite anonymous. Still, I wanted to see what the reaction would be and what the dreadful come-on's would be. Oh, they definitely satisfied my need for cheese, total hot oozing cheese. Here's my favorite message that came my way within the first hour I was on the site (oh, and sorry this didn't come with antinausea medicine):
My Sweet Angel, Thank you for the wonderful evening in my dream's what a romantic night as we strolled along the beach line, hand in hand the moon kissng the water's edge smiling down on the both of us in sheer delight.As we gazed in each other's eyes knowing deep in our mind's and in our heart's destiny's finally found us. As i kiss you on the cheek and walk gentlely into the night knowing i had made a friend for a life time. (Apparently the guy above cut and pastes this ill-written, ill-spelled, dementedly intriguing message to all the ladies, probably in some auto-program so he can sit back and finish his beer with his hand down his pants while he watches wrestling).
I have a tendency when I'm curious about something to poke around and check it out. This singles site was one such thing. I just had to know the shark pool that is "free sex," ahem, I mean "dating."
Okay, so how fucking lazy of a single can you be? The site left you the ability to email within the site someone you're interested in. About three dozen of the emails (came within 2 hours' time) were a subject line of "hi" and nothing in the body of the message. This is like fishing by scattering the surface of the lake with fish food. No sinking a weighted line with a wiggling worm. Oh no, just try to get the most women in one massive emailing. Yeah, I got so intrigued, I wanted to email them back and say "what the fuck was the content of this email??? Was it supposed to be the subject line, because I'm not a dog that comes when you whistle, you fuckwit!"
For purposes of observing the hunt, I put that I was looking for email buddies. Then, I get an email from a dude who says "on your profile, you say you want an affectionate guy, but you're wanting an email partner. How the fuck am I supposed to show you how affectionate I am if I'm emailing you?" I just replied, "I think you email shows it quite clearly."
Another man asked me out for drinks. I told him no, I'm sorry, but right now I just want to keep it on an email level. He says, "well, there's a lot of sharks out there, so I could help you. I know a lot about this singles thing. I'd hate to see someone take advantage of you. You probably should go have a drink with me so I can tell you how to avoid the creeps." My reply was, "Thanks, but isn't that kind of like the wolf training the hens on safety on the farm?"
So, I closed the account.
Admittedly, with a morbid curiosity, yet again, I put myself up a few months ago and lasted all of 20 minutes. In 20 minutes, I received 68 email inquiries. All of them fishing for the new gal who just put up her pic and profile. Of those 68 emails, 60 of them asked me "so, what do you do?" (which was clearly stated in the first line of my bio below my photo). Of those 68 emails, 45 of them started with "I loved redheads!" or "I love long hair." Men were immediately eliminated for those two offenses--not reading my profile and showing in some way that they did, in fact, read it and for wanting a redhead no matter who she was. I also got one man asking me to send him nude shots right away but I don't count him in statistics--an aberration in any survey.
Of those 68 emails, only one of them had the magic line that works one me every time - "You seem like an interesting author. I hope you're having a pleasant day." Simple. No pressure. Just being polite to start off and showed proof of reading my profile.
I did take myself down after 20 minutes and decided that this is not the way to meet the particular kind of nerd, ah, man that I need. Still, I learned a lot about how people use dating sites for hook ups.
I just can't put myself up on a singles site again. I shut down the accounts after my curiosity was appeased. It's dangerous out there. These are our breeding population. Be wary. Be very wary....