Sunday, February 26, 2012

LAUGH: Finding Bigfoot Matt's Theories


This is another in my series poking loving fun at the paranormal-reality shows. This time, the focus is my favorite show, “Finding Bigfoot” and most especially the team leader, Matt Moneymaker who, well, gives me a lot of material to work with and his nemesis, Ranae (the skeptic).

In the dark forest, Matt and Ranae are teamed on a hillside, sitting it out for the night.

Ranae: (comes to a stop) Look, it's a dead deer.

Matt: Don't move! There's a squatch around here. (searching around them in the dark forest) This kill is new. Squatches kill deer for food.

Ranae: But, Matt, this deer hasn't been touched.

Matt: (snarls) It would have eaten it, but we scared him away.

Ranae: This thing has rigor mortis. It died long ago. It doesn't have any cuts or bleeding. It might have fallen off that rock ledge up there and broken its neck.

Matt: I'm telling you, it's part of a master plan by the squatch. (points a finger in the air) He kills a deer and leaves it here as a snack for later on. It's like we're standing in a pantry for the squatch. (coyote howls and he startles and steps back).

Ranae: (sighs) Coyote.

Matt: No! Shh! (listens) That's a squatch! Don't let him fool you. He sounds like a coyote to confuse the humans.

Ranae: Why would a squatch do that? How would his own kind know it's him?

Matt: (chuckles knowingly) See, that is exactly what he wants you to assume. He has his own language in Coyote talk.

Ranae: (rolls her eyes and crosses her arms, shaking her head) There's a school for that?

Matt: Don't ever underestimate squatches. See these trees around us?

Ranae: Yeah.

Matt: Squatches can impersonate them!

Ranae: Trees? Really?

Matt: (points to a row of trees) He could be any one of those. They stay real still and you think they're a tree. They're watching us, I tell you. They're all around us. (backs up into a tree and whimpers and jumps away from it)

Ranae (giggles) Yeah, I think that maple over there has its eyes on you.

Matt:  (grabs her hand) Don't point at them! When they know that we know that they're there, they will use their minds to mesmerize us and make us forget the encounter.

Ranae: (twitching smile) Like those boys in Men in Black with their little light pen?

Matt:  Where do you think that movie got that idea, hmm? (raises his eyebrow) Much of the things we consider fiction on TV are facts that Bigfoot is hiding from us by making it look fictionalized.

Ranae: Wait, so you're saying Bigfoot is controlling my TV viewing? I wish I knew that because those Real Housewives shows are making me go nuts. I really need to find me one so I can explain what women really want to watch. (walks away into the woods with Matt rushing up on her heels)

Matt: (clutching her arm) W-where are we g-going?

Ranae: Matt, I am going to try my hand at a squatch call.

Matt: No! You'll do it all wrong. Female squatches do not holler.

Ranae: They don't?

Matt:  Of course not! Everyone knows the female of the species is always a tattletale. They would give away the location and all the family secrets. It's up to the big strong men to keep the tribe in line.

Ranae: Okay, Moneymaker, now you've crossed the line. It's one thing to make a bunch of idiotic assumptions about a creature that has yet to be proven to exist, but it's another thing to use your own caveman thoughts about women to support those insane theories.

(Matt cowers)

Ranae: (takes a breath, fists clenched) Too-many-big-words-for-you?

Matt: (twig snaps nearby) Shh! (cocks his ear)

Ranae: (looks through the nightvision goggles) Oh look, it's Bobo!

Matt: That's not Bobo! That's just what Squatch wants you to think.

Ranae: Well, it would appear that squatch is wearing a T-shirt from a bar in South Carolina and a hat that says "Gone Squatchin".

Matt: Oh God. It's just what I thought!

Ranae: What?

Matt: Squatch has knocked Bobo over the head and stole his clothes. He's going to try to impersonate him. Don't let him know that we're on to him.

Bobo: Hey guys! (chomping on a bagel)  Cliff is at base camp and we're ready to wrap it up. I realized you didn't have the walkies, so I thought I'd come and tell ya.

Matt:  So, you're saying you want us to go with you? (shakes his head "no" at Ranae)

Bobo: That'd be the plan, man.

Ranae: Come on, Bobo. Let's go to base camp (takes his arm)

Bobo: (turns to Matt) Are you comin' boss man?

(Matt nods and cautiously follows)

Bobo: You know, Ranae, it felt like it would be squatchy tonight but we didn't see a single squatch. Did you two see a squatch?

Matt: Yes, we did, actually.

Bobo: (pivots and looks back) Really? How close did he get?

Matt: (nods) About as far away from me as you are. In fact, exactly that far. (pulls a banana from his pocket and waves it in the air) Would you like a snack, tall man?

Bobo: No thanks. I still got my bagel.

Matt: But your kind loves bananas. You are closer to ape than man.

Bobo: My kind? Hey, are you calling me an ape?

Ranae: (takes Bobo's arm and leads him down the trail) Don't ask. Do me a favor, will you? Give me your best Bigfoot call.

(Bobo stops and cups his hands, letting out a long loud howl)

Matt: Oh God! Run Ranae! He's calling on his clan! (takes off running into the hills)

Bobo: (shrugs) I had no idea he hated my family so much. 



11 comments:

  1. I want to see the episode where the cast dresses as Indians, because American Indians have seen Sasquatch throughout history. Disguising themselves as Indians to relax the Sasquatch into revealing itself.

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  2. Oh yes, as we probe deeper into MM's mindset, all kinds of fantastical things inspired by Disney's Fantasia will appear.... I actually like the guy. I know he's easy to take pot shots at, but I think the love of the subject is really apparent and for that I give him thumbs up. Not all nerds are great at the socializing aspects, so I cut him some slack, but for the cow theory and the coyote talk theory--I just had to take that and run.

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    1. Well I have to say I might have a better understanding of the man; Matt Moneymaker now.

      After working for a couple of weeks with his producers and after having worked now on 3 other Reality shows too. I have to say maybe it's not all his fault!

      You have to understand what they are doing, it's total acting. The camera is not following them around like on what you normally think of them doing on a reality show. This is basically planned re-enactments. Many times (MOST TIMES) they are not in the actual locations too.

      There are multiple reason why these things happen, the biggest one is COST. Just like you and I, the production people and the STARS too, if they are in SAG, have restrictions on work hours and conditions.

      So for instance if you have had one of the most incredible sightings in Arizona, in say Young, AZ.. When the show comes to Payson they and they hear about your sighting at the THM. Even if they want to use it on the show, they won't be driving the 3-4 hours each way to and from Payson and filming in the same day. If they go over the 10hour day, their costs goes up, incredibly. The production manager will get fired, period. IN fact AP would probably switch to a completely different Production Co; to lower costs of the show.

      None of these people are trained actors either. For some people this kind of acting comes easy. For me, one minute it does and the next it doesn't. I'm not a professional actor either~~~as much as I thought, "I could always be one". I have spoke in public, done 100's of radio shows; with and with out guests, taking speech and communication classes as a minor, and I still am not perfect at the acting part.

      Even if Matt has done a bit of this, he hasn't yet done 1000's of hours (Yet) to be considered a profession actor~~~if you ask me. I suspect they will all get better as the series moves on too.

      For a Sizzle reel I did on a Paranormal show, (I won't say what show yet~~~still hoping). We tried to re-enact an actual event that team members (there were 3) had experienced for real just a few weeks prior. It was one of those "Look at that!" scenes. First, I kept messing it up. Then I said something different, but the director liked it, and wanted us all to switch what we had been trying to get right for many takes, to something new... Now the other guys started messing up? So the director switched back and to what we originally planned to say... OMG! What actually got shot, well I hope it was good~~~we sure did enough takes~~~but I remember wanting "one more try"~~~~~Sometimes it isn't up to you, even if you are the supposed STAR...


      --
      Alex ^¿^

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    2. oops couple of typos I didn't catch, excuse me.

      Alex "Old Eyes and Fat Fingers" Hearn

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  3. This is almost as entertaining as watching the real thing!

    I still don't like the term 'squatch.' It sounds so dirty...

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  4. Hahaha....my next BF picture will have him wearing a hat that says, "Gone people watching" or something like that. Thanks for the laugh Sis.

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  5. Glad to make everyone smile. Alex, I like your input. Matt stands on his own as a character and not because of the show, but because of the things he says when he opens his mouth and spouts theories. It is entertaining to say the least that BF doesn't want man's cows, but prefers the deer (which man goes into the woods with fire sticks to hunt) and that he pretends to sound like a coyote. He's just too fun. I think we all agree the show isn't supposed to actually prove anything about BF or actually find one, but that they represent an industry in a lighthearted manner with their quirkiness and he certainly does that.

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  6. Sounds about right... I want to believe I the existence of these creatures, but Matt Moneymaker is ridiculous!

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  7. Sounds about right... I want to believe I the existence of these creatures, but Matt Moneymaker is ridiculous!

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  8. The entire squishsquash phenomenon is a wonderful look at idiocy.

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