Saturday, April 6, 2013

Sex and the Single Ghost Hunter: Messages From Idiots



Starting tomorrow, GHT will be covering the funny side of all paranormal things and I'm setting it off with, well, one of my installments of Sex and the Single Ghost Hunter -

Making sense of men as an adult when the last time I dated I was 16 is a really enlightening experience and, upon occasion, utterly ridiculous.

Message on Facebook from an avid suitor:  
Him: "I promise, I just want to take you to dinner at a restaurant at a resort I won a night at. Just dinner. We don't have to go to my room. Promise."
Me: "I don't know. I'll think about it."
Him: "Dude, it worked. I think I have her convinced. She's almost gonna say yes. Score the whole night!"
Me: "Wrong message box. You just sent me the message for your buddy." (click)



Singles site private message from someone who read my profile:
Him:  "Your profile says that you just want an email relationship for now, but it says you want someone who is affectionate. How the fuck am I supposed to show you I'm affectionate in an email?"
Me: "You just did." (click)

Tips:  Men on singles sites; read the profile, never ask a woman "what do you do?" or "where are you from?" you just gave way you did not read her profile and never just message her "hey" or "hi" or say the dreaded, "I love long hair" or "I love redheads." She takes it that you are looking at what you want to bed, not the content you want to fall in love with.



Facebook message from a married man who has been long-term lovesick puppy I had to redirect: 
From his account:  "Hello, this is John Doe's wife, Jane. You can quit messaging him, you hussy."
Me: "You might want to look at his messages to me and my responses. I've been advising him on saving his marriage and what to do."
From his account:  (pause) "I'm sooooo sorry. Oh my gosh. He did these things you suggested. I thought it was going better. I liked this particular advice you gave him. Thank you. Thank you so much. I won't bother you again."

BTW-about 80% of the men who message me and are married or "taken," their woman got into their account and contacted me.  Think on that.




Facebook -  a man who had been avidly pursuing me as if I were the only woman in the world for him. 
His FB messaging:  "Hi, this is (fill in the female name). I'm in his bed right now and we've been together all weekend. Call me if you don't believe me. Here's my number 555-555-5555."
Me: "Do not message me again. I want nothing to do with either of you."
(later) 
Phone - Him:  "So sorry about that.  I left my Facebook open. What did you two talk about on the phone?
Me:  I didn't call her. Do you think I want your psycho bitch lover to have my phone number?
Him:  But, she was on the phone with you when I came in the room.
Me: Ah, she was faking it. Just like she was faked the orgasm. Get a clue. (click)




Messaging on Facebook:
Him: "You're really hot. I love redheads. Carpet match the drapes?"
Me: (click)




Messaging on Facebook:
Him:  So, I'm into the paranormal. Are you into that or is it too weird for you? You look pretty wholesome. Now, you probably think I'm weird for chasing ghosts. It usually freaks girls out.
Me: (click)





Messaging on Facebook: 
Him:  I'm sure you get a lot of guys wanting to get into your panties. I'm not one of them. I promise. I'm impotent. I just want to have a good friend I share things in common with. I'm into the same stuff you are.
Me:  Thanks for being real.
Him:  Yeah, I think it's fine to be friends with a woman and not need to bed her. I'm absolutely no threat.
Me:  Okay. So what kind of parnormal stuff are you into?
Him:  (chats away about subjects)
Me:  You are really well studied.
Him:  That's what I was thinking. This is why I think we should write books together and be famous investigators and I will treat you so well. I'll make your meals and rub your shoulders and I will make love to you all night long....
Me:  (click)




Facebook messaging:
Him:  I can imagine what it'd be like to have you wrapped around me with those longs legs.
Me:  Can your wife?
Him:  LOL. Oh, my wife? That's not a problem. She knows I love to flirt.
Me:  (click)



Conclusions:
They're not all idiots. The majority of men who contact me are sweethearts. But, the Internet makes it possible to be braver than you are in real life and often times stupider, drunker, hornier. Men spread a wide net, hoping to catch something. A smart girl isn't hooked in. I think we all know that the boys are talking to many of us and it's very apparent when they message and take way too long to respond to a comment. You know they have a few windows open. For me, I remain perpetually skeptical about the antics. I have learned much in the past couple years of being single as an adult - mainly that bullshit comes across, even without facial expressions and voice inflections.  Or, as Forrest Gump might say "Stupid is as Stupid Does."






3 comments:

  1. LOL. I have one for you from a friend of mine. She went on dating sites for 7 years or so til she met a nice guy and got married. Years ago: on a date, driving with one of them in Ottawa in winter. He says, 'Just a minute!' Pulls over the car, jumps out and proceeds to piss a big heart shape in the snow in front of the headlights. True story.

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  2. Have you ever done a screenplay? This would make a great backdrop to a romantic comedy.
    Starts with these facebook mesages
    Fades to bad dates
    Melodrama ensues
    Something happens at an airport or bus station (it's a chick flick after all)
    ...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Haha. Oh gawd. I remind myself daily as a single woman that my life is a romantic comedy and there will be lots of stupidity, tears, indecision, and there better be a tall dark prince in the end or I'm breaking my contract for this gig and choosing another genre, like horror.

    ReplyDelete

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